Author Archives: slater


Washington, DC December 20, 2017
“The kids didn’t build this country, we did. If this tax reduction bill increases the national debt by 1.5 Trillion dollars, so what. They should just consider it a past due invoice for services rendered. Someones got to pick up the check and it ain’t gonna be me.”©


Cupertino, CA. December 15, 2017
“We know. All glass is pretty but you must be gentle with it. You’re tired of walking on eggshells with your smartphone. That’s why we’re building you a new phone that once again will solve a big problem. Our main goal has always been to provide a great experience by combining fresh design with enhanced functionality. But we hear you, your beautiful iPhone X is best carried around on a red velvet pillow. All glass, it smudges, cracks and is more of a piece of art than a reliable digital assistant. So we’re about to introduce a titanium-framed hard-bodied workhorse phone that you can take anywhere and do anything with. Our precious iPhone X should still be purchased for special occasions like a lady with her formal clutch purse glittering in the evening. It’s a fashion accessory that you simply must carry to all society events. It also looks good sitting on your desk in its’ shiny, polished and gleaming glass container. Just don’t touch, please. Meanwhile grab hold of our new XT and XTR. The XT is titanium all around with a proprietary transparent metal alloy screen. This is a phone you can use just about wherever and whenever you want. But for the really tough environments get the XTR. It’s rubber coated titanium and built to last. Our newest commercial with Clint Eastwood in a retro movie scene really captures the essence of the XTR. We’ll still run the new iPhone X commercials with images of an unmatched colidescopic pixelation experience. Internally we call this hypnotic ad “Look at all the pretty colors”.©


Washington, DC December 13, 2017
“They’re right, I wouldn’t be a great choice for toilet work. I’ll leave that to the rest of the swamp. I’m clean, they’re sloshing around in the muck. People, you gotta stick with me. Don’t let this Kirsten Gillibrand run her mouth off without a response. You bet I’m gonna fight back and fight back hard. Your President is not a quitter. I won’t quit. I’ll say what I want whenever I want. I’m just trolling you anyway. In order to juice the ratings, I know just what will get you people all riled up. Right now while you think I’m down on the mat, I’m sitting on my couch laughing my head off. Sure I care about the country, just not as much as I love yanking your chains.”©


Salt Lake City, Utah December 5, 2017
“Never before has a President cared for the land like I do. I want everyone to have access to these magnificent lands. Businessmen, hunters, frackers, diggers, miners, explorers, developers, like whoever, y’know? I’m tired of these lands being held in banks for posterity. Who is posterity and why do we care so much about him? I don’t and I’m putting my considerable weight behind a new plan to make these beautiful lands great again. Like when the dinosaurs roamed Utah hunting and wreaking havoc where ever they traveled, we will take a page from these big boys and follow suit. I will bring many breeding pairs of both Indian and African elephants to these preserves and release them for our American sportsman to battle. May the best rifle win. My sons cut off elephant tails when they go to Africa as a souvenir but now they will not need to leave our great nation. We’ll drill, frack, mine and hunt these lands like they have never been mined, hunted, drilled and fracked before. These Utah Federal lands will be turned back to the people like they always should have been. Let the people decide what will be the most fun and profitable usage, not fat cat bureaucrats in the district, right? Get your pick, shovel and muskets boys and let’s see if we can’t make some good use of this place. Right now it looks abandoned. What are we saving it for?”©


Washington, DC November 28, 2017
“I did it. I think everyone agrees with me. I’m responsible. Bitcoin hit $10,000 on some exchanges today. Where do you think it would be if I wasn’t in charge? Right, nowhere. I’ve always been good at making nothing seem like something and vice versa. Bitcoin was made for me. I mean maybe I’m that Satoshi guy. Can you prove I’m not? In any event, I’ve instructed the Philadelphia and Denver mints to begin to design new bitcoins with the distinct likeness of me for distribution in 2018. Like me, I expect the freshly pressed coins to be priceless.”©


Washington, DC November 16, 2017
“They love me. But I mean they really love me over there. I was honored more and better than any President ever was. More red carpets. More military honor guards. More royal buffets. Better accommodations. Giant pictures of me on the sides of buildings all throughout the routes with cheering crowds. They really know how to get their people in line to be respectful to important foreign dignitaries. I wish we could do that. Yes, I am the most famous and highly regarded person on the planet. No one is even close. I have money, power and more fame than anyone ever has. No one has ever seen anything like this. Ever. I truly am one of a kind. No one is like me. Who is like me?”©


Washington, DC October 31, 2017
“These indictments were wrong. Hillary is the guilty one not my team. That I can tell you. They did it, not us. It’s them once again. Look over there to the Dems. Guilty is as guilty does. I don’t really know what that means but I know it fits this situation. Who is this Papadopolous? Can you prove we even paid him one red cent? No. Unpaid hanger on. Am I supposed to track everyone in the US and know what they are up to every moment even if they are not officially on my staff? I don’t think so. And Manafort doesn’t work for me either at least not when all this happened, I don’t think. And Gates, who is he? Let Bill Gates handle that, I’m not related. Bottom line is this, these are some of the most fake, reaching charges I’ve seen and I don’t think anything will even come of it. But I gotta say, they are creating a media spectacle and you know what that means. Ratings. Big, beautiful high ratings. This show could be the most watched and best ever”.©


Washington, DC October 27, 2017
“What were they thinking? There’s no place for that kind of unacceptable behavior in our society today. I will do what I can from my position as role model to instill the concept of respect for all women. Men must know that no means no and there can be no equivocation whatsoever. My use of the Presidency to promote proper interpersonal interactions will set the bar high enough so we can be proud of our nation and provide an example of how to live for our children”.©


Washington, DC October 1, 2017
“This plan will not help me in any way. Bad. Bad for me personally. That is for sure. I lose, but my people win. I’m for them. Not for me. I’ve always been a giver. It’s in my make up. I can’t help it even if I wanted to. Now it is possible that my children might get some small benefit from this. After we eliminate the estate tax also called the death tax, my kids will save a little. Let’s see, I’m worth 10 billion dollars, so 40% of ten billion dollars is 4 Billion dollars minus the exemption of about 6 million, ok still about 4 billion in savings. About a billion dollars per kid or so. Those kids work hard though. You’ve never seen anything like the way these kids work. Never. But this will also help family farms and other business owners, not just my family. Also, with the AMT gone, I might save 50 or 60 million dollars a year in income tax based on last years returns. But remember I don’t always make the same amount each year so I might not save, right? As far as ballooning the deficit, no problem, I called Saudi Arabia, Germany, Japan and China and they said they would keep buying our government bonds for as long as it takes for the trickle down effect of my plan to take hold. I always say you have to spend money to make money especially if it’s other peoples money, right? The main thing is that my little people could save between $500 and $1,000 per year to shop or whatever so we all win. And most important is that I donate my $400,000 salary each year to good causes so I’m not an accountant but it all nets out one way or another, I’m sure.”©


Washington, DC September 25, 2017
“I won’t take my eye off the ball and neither should they. Right now in our land there may be devastation in Texas, Florida and Puerto Rico. Stand strong my fellow citizens. I know that you are hurting. But as President I’ve got to protect the flag first and let everything else fall into place after that. My main priority is to gin up my base and rev up the party into a full lathered frenzy about football protests. This is not political. It is existential. With the press making up stories about Russia and other stuff, I’ve got to counter that fake fog with my own big top style extravaganza laden sports circus. It’s paramount to our country and I believe this should be the #1 item covered by all major media for the foreseeable future. Even if they still talk about the other stuff, this’ll drown out a lot of it and there’s nothing they can do about it”.©