Cupertino, CA. December 15, 2017
“We know. All glass is pretty but you must be gentle with it. You’re tired of walking on eggshells with your smartphone. That’s why we’re building you a new phone that once again will solve a big problem. Our main goal has always been to provide a great experience by combining fresh design with enhanced functionality. But we hear you, your beautiful iPhone X is best carried around on a red velvet pillow. All glass, it smudges, cracks and is more of a piece of art than a reliable digital assistant. So we’re about to introduce a titanium-framed hard-bodied workhorse phone that you can take anywhere and do anything with. Our precious iPhone X should still be purchased for special occasions like a lady with her formal clutch purse glittering in the evening. It’s a fashion accessory that you simply must carry to all society events. It also looks good sitting on your desk in its’ shiny, polished and gleaming glass container. Just don’t touch, please. Meanwhile grab hold of our new XT and XTR. The XT is titanium all around with a proprietary transparent metal alloy screen. This is a phone you can use just about wherever and whenever you want. But for the really tough environments get the XTR. It’s rubber coated titanium and built to last. Our newest commercial with Clint Eastwood in a retro movie scene really captures the essence of the XTR. We’ll still run the new iPhone X commercials with images of an unmatched colidescopic pixelation experience. Internally we call this hypnotic ad “Look at all the pretty colors”. ~~slater.com©
Cupertino, Ca. December 27, 2016
In a surprise move today, Apple announced that they would begin to license Alphabets’s Android operating system for the iPhone. Tim Cook introduced the new iPhone with dual ios and android operating systems at a press conference outside the new Apple headquarters. “It really makes sense to do this right now. We offer the windows operating system on our macs, so we are always in a co-opetition mode with our frenemies. It was really only a matter of time so we thought we’d like to go into 2017 with the wind at our back. Now on your iPhone you can opt to utilize the superior features of either system. At this point only the iPhone can run everything. Download any app to the iPhone even if development has only been completed in one operating system. Simple, easy, embracing change and inclusive. It’s pure Apple and only from us”. ~slater.com©
Cupertino, Ca. September 11, 2016
“We’re not done. I mean it. Removing the phone jack was just a small step towards our ultimate version of the iPhone. I don’t mind telling you what to expect in the future. It’ll be just a sheet of waterproof, smudge-proof, unbreakable glass. On both sides y’know really it will be just like a clear ice cube. There will be no buttons or protrusions. Nothing to interfere with the pure beauty of a small sheet of clear glass. Even the camera components won’t be discernible from the clear phone itself. There will be 30 lenses. You won’t need to know where the lenses are as they will find you and your subjects. It does this in two ways. We will use harmless laser scanner image detection technology and by massive memory capacity that allows constant videos and photographs to be recorded in advance of your request, therefore capturing events that you would not have known you even wanted to record. First our products were known for being something that you didn’t even know that you needed. Now the products themselves will be responsible for capturing all kinds of sounds and images that you didn’t know you wanted, well, until you do. And they’ll be uploaded to the Apple cloud in real time for your retrieval whenever you want. Question about where you were at some point? Pull the images and location data for a specific time and date. We’ll store everything indefinitely for you. Basically you will just speak your command and you needn’t touch the phone in any way. It will be operable from up to 100 feet away. It’s really just a base station at that point. You’ll need to be wearing your Apple ear buds at all times but why wouldn’t you anyway? The ear buds will have a super sensitive microphone to broadcast your commands to your clear sheet of glass iPhone. If you call for a video it will project a holographic image on the most hospitable surface it can find or a location of your choice including right in front of your face. Calls will be routed directly to your ear buds, emails or texts will be dictated and launched remotely. All can be accepted or rejected by voice command. Movies can be filmed with the phone recording multiple scenarios, angles and positions including up to 100 versions. The phone can edit all the data and process best case offering choices for your selection or you can manually review and edit like the old days. Apps won’t exist, of course, as everything considered back end will just be unnecessary noise. When you call for something it’ll be available to you without finding it in a store or paying. Your monthly Apple all-access pass will cover everything. There will also be an advanced siri-style AI component that gets used to you, if you will, and just knows what to play, which calls to accept, emails to write and texts to send automatically or with input from you if desired. The next-gen ear buds at that point will have replaced our watch product in terms of functionality. The watches will still be available as a retro party favor. But the ear buds will project holographic images and communicate with you via voice command, so some large box on your wrist will look about as stylish as a large brick phone from 1988. You can count on us to move things forward and don’t worry, you’ll get used to leaving your phone wherever you want up to 100 feet away. Your earbud projector, microphone and voice command unit really covers almost all of what you currently use your iPhone for. The iPhone isn’t likely to be stolen either. It automatically contacts you and the police if you wish, should anyone other than you try and pick it up. The phone will recognize your hand coupled with the electronic signature of your ear bud. Basically the glass sheet shuts down and becomes a hot potato paper weight to anyone foolish enough to take it. Yeah, there’s a lot to look forward to and really as you might have guessed, we expect the ear bud to ultimately replace the glass sheet. Of course, the ear bud itself is scheduled to be replaced by a semi-protruding earlobe implant which we believe will replace physical product launches with software downloads directly to you whenever you are online or near a hot spot.” —slater.com©
Cupertino, CA. March 25, 2016
“Our new form factor 4-inch iPhone is a tight little package filled with goodies. We’re listening and we heard you appleonians. You wanted some of the vintage apple experience with a fresh twist and now it is available in our new SE model. A full 4-inch retina display yet small enough to slip into your summer shorts. We weren’t sure that once you’d experienced our 5.5-inch iPhone that you’d be comfortable returning to our 4-inch model but our testing showed that people waxed nostalgic for the old girl. So we rolled her out of storage and propped her up with all our latest gizmos. You’ll have a 12 megapixel camera, crisp retina display and feel free to shoot 4K videos whenever you want. You’re carrying around a TV studio in your pocket. Of course, some people think this is the end of Apple as it looks to the outside world like we are warming day-old bread. But nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, this form factor interplay combined with technological advancements allows us to mix and match chips, screens and memory with other internal capabilities. Our range of colors and bead-blasted aluminum with a satin-like finish are sure to please. Don’t forget our matte-camfered edges combined with a color-matched stainless steel Apple logo to finish the look. Now with all the combinations and permutations available to us, we can launch and release new versions of any of our products at will. A little bigger, a little smaller, add this, delete that and voila – a new product is available. This provides some great filler for us in between earth-shattering world-changing product announcements. We are also working with our Chinese partners on a fully customizable model line-up. If they agree to stock a virtually infinite line of parts we plan to offer the ability to select from a range of sizes of phone bodies much like you do when you purchase a high-end camera. After you select the iPhone body, you can specify the camera type, lens’s, software, chips, memory and other customizable features. Some people may even purchase the hollow iPhone body as wall or desk art. Just the unfinished phone waiting for completion that may never arrive. Sad but yet still hopeful like good art can be. Anyway, this new development sure takes a load off my mind. Every day the whole world waits for the next thing from us. What if I don’t have a next thing or what if I do but it doesn’t become the next big thing? There’s a reason Steve considered himself a Willie Wonka of sorts. That’s because a big part of what we do is show business. The mystery. The aura. What’s going on in there? That’s part of the rationale for our new spaceship campus to kind of keep our image as a secretive dark tech/design braintrust able to spew out the next great thing on demand. But if you’ve ever been in a show, you know that it’s hardest for the actors to suspend disbelief because they’re the one’s doing the pretending.” —slater.com©
Cupertino, CA November 16, 2015
Apple chief Tim Cook announced today that he will not under any circumstances introduce a combination iPad Mac. “I won’t do it. I refuse to believe that we’d sell a single unit. Remember we seem to know what people want before they do, right? So it just stands to reason that it is within our purview to decide who gets what and when. And I can tell you right here right now, we will not attach a physical keyboard to our iPad. Not now and not ever. Why should we? Nobody’d buy one or need one or use one. N O B O D Y. Not now, not ever.” The Apple leader was asked if he could even perceive of a valid use-case for an Apple-based Surface-like product. “No, who would need to carry around a mobile video screen and a keyboard? For what reason? What possible purpose could there be in doing so?” Cook was asked about similarities with his MacBook Air lineup and other lightweight laptops. Cook said, “Our other products may look similar to HP’s laptops or Microsoft’s surface tablet but their screens fold around to the back causing people to mistake them for tablets. We put a stopper on our laptops so the keyboard always stays close to the screen, never out of sight like theirs. Of course we do sell an accessory keyboard that you can lean the iPad on, but you don’t have to take it with you if you don’t want to. They may have something similar but we think of the little things and that in part is why we are the most valuable company in the world measured by market cap.” Cook was asked if the real reason he doesn’t want to promote product convergence is that it could reduce the number of products that consumers and businesses might need and purchase from him? “No, a thousand times no. Apple is and always has been about the customer. If the customer really wanted a surface-like product or an HP flip-screen model we’d simply develop a better one and offer the Apple upgrade to their users. But we know that it is multiple products that consumers and businesses want and need. Each unique product is a specialty item with a singular purpose. These are dedicated machines not toasters with radios in them. Consumers and businesses will ultimately have a centralized Apple Power Charging Station(APCS) where they will place their MacBook, Air, iPhones, iPads, Apple Watches, Apple TV and other electronic chargable specialty items each with a specific purpose in mind. Have a need? Check your Apple product inventory for just the right offering. If you’re going camping, take our iPad+ with real AppleToughSkin padding. Drop it in the woods, float it down the river, toss it to a friend, heck use it for a frisbee because this baby can take it. Need something light weight for a quick flight, take our new AppleHover pad. Impress your business associates with a tablet that floats 2 inches off any flat surface, projects a hologram that can be activated by AppleStem finger-mounted pointer-pods and none of you touches anything while still presenting the future to your clients in a next big thing kind of way. From our fashionable watchbands to our customizable product line-up Apple continues to be all about individuality and choice.” —slater.com©
Cupertino, Ca June 23, 2015
Taylor Swift today attacked Apple, Inc. lambasting and pummeling them in the press for the second time in as many days. Swift’s new complaint says that Apple has stolen her very name by selling a hot iOS programming language under the name Swift. Swift said, “What’s next, a software program that mends clothes called Taylor? I’ve had it up to here with Apple milking me and my image not to mention my intellectual property for all it’s worth. Did they think I wouldn’t notice they had named the hot software Swift? Pay up Apple or prepare to get muddy. I spoke with my friend Spike Lee about his tussle with Viacom over the naming of the cable network Spike and he said they finally backed down and paid up when he got all up in their business about it. Thanks Spike. I get it. Now Apple prepare to get yours”.
Tim Cook responded by saying, “Taylor you are a precious jewel of a singer and a pretty good dancer as well I might add. Swift is a common word in the English language that our attorney’s advised us we could use as it represented clean speed which we are trying to express through our development work. However we value you and were wondering if there was anything else we could do to molify and placate you at this time?”
Swift responded by saying, “Tim you are a gentleman. I have a few minor requests. First I would like 100 gold MacBooks sent to my top 100 fan club Presidents for $1. each. Second I would like my music to be prominently advertised on your web platforms at least 5 times per person per hour. Third I would like all iPods and other music devices to be pre-loaded with a snipet of my latest songs to provide a taste to my fans and new listeners of my most recent work. And last I would like the Apple store to move closer to my house as it is currently a 10 block walk to get there. There are some suitable locations in my neighborhood that would work”.
The Apple leader responded by saying, “Taylor you have once again shown your high level of professionalism. We will agree to your terms with one caveat. We must wait for our lease to end prior to moving our Apple store close to your home. In the meantime we will ship the notebooks, pre-load your songs and run the ads. Sing on sweet Taylor. You are a breath of fresh air!” —–slater.com©
Cupertino California April 19, 2015
Today Apple continued to titillate the world with advanced info about their new watch expected to be available for delivery on April 24th. Apple confided to select journalists, “The watch may seem like just a mini-screen remote control for our iPhone but it is so much more than that. The human mind cannot fathom all the native applications that reside within the watch without our assistance. So we’ve installed a hypnotic learning module at no additional cost. This module will appear similar to the spinning circle seen at the start of the Twilight Zone and also resembles our well known “spinning beach ball” that appears during infrequent wait times on macs. New watch customers will awaken in the morning at their preset alarm time and when they look at the watch it will begin spinning to immerse the participant in what we refer to internally as “total appclimation”. In essence the watch wearer will now be a part of the system. Our spinning beach ball will integrate the brain waves and thought patterns of the wearer into the data flow of the software itself and through our “Appleburst” wave migration technology we will move the wearers thoughts towards good habits and conduct. We have been experimenting with this technological breakthrough for several years now internally in concert with our HR department. The results have been staggeringly good. Productivity of our “inductees” has almost doubled and they really seem to be a calmer and more relaxed version of their former self. Participants indicate that the feeling is similar to the “Landru” episode on the original Star Trek series. Everyone iOS of the body. Very peaceful. Anyway it’s just our little way of getting people on the same page to enhance togetherness and symbiosis. At first we were just going to have the watch absorb metrics from the wearer and using our advanced Big Apple Data platform we would interconnect participants with their medical providers and other important associations. Then we thought why not try to manage the behaviors prior to the subject needing assistance to begin with. So we realized that conforming all watch wearers to the one central body system would march everyone in the same direction together as a single unit toward unequaled appleonian bliss. Of course we were concerned that Apple customers are a very independent bunch of folks and they often don’t take kindly to being herded into a corral but we are used to skepticism and doubt when we introduce the world to the next big thing. Our main goal is to follow the boiled frog theory – it’ll happen so slowly that they won’t know they’re inside the Apple until they’re fully cooked. It’s for their own good of course or we would’t be doing it.” –slater.com©
In a rare show of openness for the secretive consumer products giant, Apples leader says that the rumors are true. “Expect the best from us by 2020 and this time you can drive it home”. Cook says that he considers himself a latter day Johnny Appleseed. “Wherever people are so to will Apple be, this time in an all electric semi-autonomous land transportation vehicle. Of course we’ll make the most highly functional and deeply design oriented green product imaginable. Jony Ives drives a Bentley and an Aston Martin now but his iCar design will make those wheels look like the AMC Pacer.” How will it be green? “It will be environmentally advanced but the real green will be the revenues we’ll squeeze out of the huge US auto market. If we can get just 10% of the 15 million or so cars sold annually in this country times our expected 60K base list price that’d be 90 billion in additional annual revenue. 90 Billion here, 90 Billion there – soon you’re talking real money. I got Carl Icahn breathing down my neck and I need to pull a rabbit out of my hat and this is what I got so far. We have the watch making its debut soon but investors are already mentally past that and want a deeper look at the pipeline. Todays investors are interested in “long term visibility”. They now lose interest in upcoming products that are ready for release and want distant pipeline development products to chew on”. Cook says they are considering a number of test names for the vehicles. “We’re looking at “apple juice” for the interchangeable battery packs. We’re thinking about,you know, Granny Smith green, Red and Golden delicious as well as Pink Lady for exterior paint choices. Interiors will be offered in toffee, caramel or candy apple red. The dashboards will be a predictably similar configuration and appearance to future iPhones and Macs. We’ll repurpose some of our existing technology with all of the expected updates plus a few surprises. Our performance oriented customers can look forward to our racy “hard apple cider” model. It will run on batteries but will have a duel fuel capability to also run on Applejack fermented by the buyer at home with distillation equipment included”.
“All of the vehicles will be fully synced up as a rolling hot spot with full wide-band internet capability via our Appsat constellation of orbiting sky datagates. The speed will be mindblowing and bring new meaning to the word instant. The vehicles can be placed on autopilot at anytime and controlled from our central applecore1 inside Cheyenne mountain. The passengers can opt for their preference of “scenic” or “as the crow flies” routing. Each vehicle will also contain up to 5 micro-drones which can be released from recessed electric panels and perform a number of tasks upon launch including “birds eye” traffic views, “carrier pigeon” message delivery as well as just routine video and photography of your journey. They can be programed to fly above the vehicle for the entire trip under solar power to provide footage for a home movie of any adventure you can imagine. One model will offer a rolling business technology space that will make you wonder why you need to leave the car when you get to your office. And I don’t think our buyers will concern themselves with radio stations as we will deliver a curated selection of their favorite tunes and they will have access to our complete video and music library included with several of our lease packages as well. Our dealerships will be completely online and vehicles can be picked up or delivered by UPS, Fedex and the USPS. Service will be arranged in the same way current products are repaired.” –slater.com©