Tag Archives: Apple

TIM COOK SAYS MY BAD ON IPHONE

Cupertino, CA April 24, 2018
“Ooops. Yes iPhone demand is way down and I take full responsibility. I thought that fashion and style would eclipse function and usability. But it looks like the people want both. And they seem to prefer function over style which I wouldn’t have guessed. Also, there have been some unintended consequences. Like, uh, by removing all the buttons and jacks, we are extending the life of the phones. One of the primary reasons people replace their old phones was all the crud and stuff that builds up on the key pad and other dimpled surfaces. Now that it’s just a sheet of glass, they are simply windexing it and good as new. We, of course, try to make them obsolete by not supporting older software, but they can still be used for quite a while severely impacting our sales going forward. And so many other vendors have copied our look and feel. Now the only point of differentiation is our ecosystem but with so many apps it is proving to be overwhelming. Many users just don’t even bother to self-curate. Plus Android has the majority market share and our ecosystem is increasingly available on their phones as well. Anyway we’ll figure it out or come up with the next big thing. I thought the watch might be it but we’re getting so good at miniaturization that it can easily be made into a phone but that doesn’t really help because the better the watch gets, the less necessary the iPhone is at all. Obviously that would eat into our other sales big time. But if we don’t and someone else does, iPhone sales still get cannibalized. In the meantime we’ll innovate, innovate, innovate by introducing new colors and fabrics for our stylish watchbands so you know we’ll stay at the forefront of tech. That and we’ve got a quarter of a trillion dollars cushion of runway before we need to panic.” ~~slater.com©

APPLE ANNOUNCES PLAN TO PRODUCE RUGGED IPHONE

Cupertino, CA. December 15, 2017
“We know. All glass is pretty but you must be gentle with it. You’re tired of walking on eggshells with your smartphone. That’s why we’re building you a new phone that once again will solve a big problem. Our main goal has always been to provide a great experience by combining fresh design with enhanced functionality. But we hear you, your beautiful iPhone X is best carried around on a red velvet pillow. All glass, it smudges, cracks and is more of a piece of art than a reliable digital assistant. So we’re about to introduce a titanium-framed hard-bodied workhorse phone that you can take anywhere and do anything with. Our precious iPhone X should still be purchased for special occasions like a lady with her formal clutch purse glittering in the evening. It’s a fashion accessory that you simply must carry to all society events. It also looks good sitting on your desk in its’ shiny, polished and gleaming glass container. Just don’t touch, please. Meanwhile grab hold of our new XT and XTR. The XT is titanium all around with a proprietary transparent metal alloy screen. This is a phone you can use just about wherever and whenever you want. But for the really tough environments get the XTR. It’s rubber coated titanium and built to last. Our newest commercial with Clint Eastwood in a retro movie scene really captures the essence of the XTR. We’ll still run the new iPhone X commercials with images of an unmatched colidescopic pixelation experience. Internally we call this hypnotic ad “Look at all the pretty colors”. ~~slater.com©

APPLE AGREES TO LICENSE ANDROID FOR IPHONE

Cupertino, Ca. December 27, 2016
In a surprise move today, Apple announced that they would begin to license Alphabets’s Android operating system for the iPhone. Tim Cook introduced the new iPhone with dual ios and android operating systems at a press conference outside the new Apple headquarters. “It really makes sense to do this right now. We offer the windows operating system on our macs, so we are always in a co-opetition mode with our frenemies. It was really only a matter of time so we thought we’d like to go into 2017 with the wind at our back. Now on your iPhone you can opt to utilize the superior features of either system. At this point only the iPhone can run everything. Download any app to the iPhone even if development has only been completed in one operating system. Simple, easy, embracing change and inclusive. It’s pure Apple and only from us”. ~slater.com©

GOOGLE AGREES TO SELL SEARCH BUSINESS TO YAHOO

Mountain View, CA. October 6, 2016
“The valley is about constant innovation and reinvention. If we just rest on our laurels we’ll only get as far as we’ve already been and no further. We want to step boldly into the future. To do that we sometimes need to make painful decisions. This was one of them. It really all started with search. Search brought us to the party. But it’s becoming a commodity. You can find whatever you need on ask, bing, duckduckgo, or dogpile. The delta between us and them has been shrinking and historically so do the margins. Once a product goes generic, it’s time to move on. Let yahoo add our distinctiveness to their own and a superior product should emerge. We will retain a non-material equity position in Verizon who is scheduled to aquire yahoo in the future. We plan to reinvest the proceeds in flying cars, balloon internet delivery platforms and life extension research.” —slater.com©

TIM COOK SAYS iPhone WILL BE SHEET OF GLASS

Cupertino, Ca. September 11, 2016
“We’re not done. I mean it. Removing the phone jack was just a small step towards our ultimate version of the iPhone. I don’t mind telling you what to expect in the future. It’ll be just a sheet of waterproof, smudge-proof, unbreakable glass. On both sides y’know really it will be just like a clear ice cube. There will be no buttons or protrusions. Nothing to interfere with the pure beauty of a small sheet of clear glass. Even the camera components won’t be discernible from the clear phone itself. There will be 30 lenses. You won’t need to know where the lenses are as they will find you and your subjects. It does this in two ways. We will use harmless laser scanner image detection technology and by massive memory capacity that allows constant videos and photographs to be recorded in advance of your request, therefore capturing events that you would not have known you even wanted to record. First our products were known for being something that you didn’t even know that you needed. Now the products themselves will be responsible for capturing all kinds of sounds and images that you didn’t know you wanted, well, until you do. And they’ll be uploaded to the Apple cloud in real time for your retrieval whenever you want. Question about where you were at some point? Pull the images and location data for a specific time and date. We’ll store everything indefinitely for you. Basically you will just speak your command and you needn’t touch the phone in any way. It will be operable from up to 100 feet away. It’s really just a base station at that point. You’ll need to be wearing your Apple ear buds at all times but why wouldn’t you anyway? The ear buds will have a super sensitive microphone to broadcast your commands to your clear sheet of glass iPhone. If you call for a video it will project a holographic image on the most hospitable surface it can find or a location of your choice including right in front of your face. Calls will be routed directly to your ear buds, emails or texts will be dictated and launched remotely. All can be accepted or rejected by voice command. Movies can be filmed with the phone recording multiple scenarios, angles and positions including up to 100 versions. The phone can edit all the data and process best case offering choices for your selection or you can manually review and edit like the old days. Apps won’t exist, of course, as everything considered back end will just be unnecessary noise. When you call for something it’ll be available to you without finding it in a store or paying. Your monthly Apple all-access pass will cover everything. There will also be an advanced siri-style AI component that gets used to you, if you will, and just knows what to play, which calls to accept, emails to write and texts to send automatically or with input from you if desired. The next-gen ear buds at that point will have replaced our watch product in terms of functionality. The watches will still be available as a retro party favor. But the ear buds will project holographic images and communicate with you via voice command, so some large box on your wrist will look about as stylish as a large brick phone from 1988. You can count on us to move things forward and don’t worry, you’ll get used to leaving your phone wherever you want up to 100 feet away. Your earbud projector, microphone and voice command unit really covers almost all of what you currently use your iPhone for. The iPhone isn’t likely to be stolen either. It automatically contacts you and the police if you wish, should anyone other than you try and pick it up. The phone will recognize your hand coupled with the electronic signature of your ear bud. Basically the glass sheet shuts down and becomes a hot potato paper weight to anyone foolish enough to take it. Yeah, there’s a lot to look forward to and really as you might have guessed, we expect the ear bud to ultimately replace the glass sheet. Of course, the ear bud itself is scheduled to be replaced by a semi-protruding earlobe implant which we believe will replace physical product launches with software downloads directly to you whenever you are online or near a hot spot.” —slater.com©

TIM COOK SAYS THERE ARE INFINITE SIZE OPTIONS FOR IPHONES

Cupertino, CA. March 25, 2016
“Our new form factor 4-inch iPhone is a tight little package filled with goodies. We’re listening and we heard you appleonians. You wanted some of the vintage apple experience with a fresh twist and now it is available in our new SE model. A full 4-inch retina display yet small enough to slip into your summer shorts. We weren’t sure that once you’d experienced our 5.5-inch iPhone that you’d be comfortable returning to our 4-inch model but our testing showed that people waxed nostalgic for the old girl. So we rolled her out of storage and propped her up with all our latest gizmos. You’ll have a 12 megapixel camera, crisp retina display and feel free to shoot 4K videos whenever you want. You’re carrying around a TV studio in your pocket. Of course, some people think this is the end of Apple as it looks to the outside world like we are warming day-old bread. But nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, this form factor interplay combined with technological advancements allows us to mix and match chips, screens and memory with other internal capabilities. Our range of colors and bead-blasted aluminum with a satin-like finish are sure to please. Don’t forget our matte-camfered edges combined with a color-matched stainless steel Apple logo to finish the look. Now with all the combinations and permutations available to us, we can launch and release new versions of any of our products at will. A little bigger, a little smaller, add this, delete that and voila – a new product is available. This provides some great filler for us in between earth-shattering world-changing product announcements. We are also working with our Chinese partners on a fully customizable model line-up. If they agree to stock a virtually infinite line of parts we plan to offer the ability to select from a range of sizes of phone bodies much like you do when you purchase a high-end camera. After you select the iPhone body, you can specify the camera type, lens’s, software, chips, memory and other customizable features. Some people may even purchase the hollow iPhone body as wall or desk art. Just the unfinished phone waiting for completion that may never arrive. Sad but yet still hopeful like good art can be. Anyway, this new development sure takes a load off my mind. Every day the whole world waits for the next thing from us. What if I don’t have a next thing or what if I do but it doesn’t become the next big thing? There’s a reason Steve considered himself a Willie Wonka of sorts. That’s because a big part of what we do is show business. The mystery. The aura. What’s going on in there? That’s part of the rationale for our new spaceship campus to kind of keep our image as a secretive dark tech/design braintrust able to spew out the next great thing on demand. But if you’ve ever been in a show, you know that it’s hardest for the actors to suspend disbelief because they’re the one’s doing the pretending.” —slater.com©

GOOGLE PARENT ALPHABET NOW MORE VALUABLE THAN APPLE

Mountain View, CA February 1, 2016
Sven Searcharsky of Google announced today that they beat their top and bottom line numbers. “We’re rockin and rollin here. I tell you the wheels gonna come off this baby. Yeah! Man I know that’s not corp speak but we are charged up here like never before. We got the world in the palm of our hands and our digits are electrified. OK, so you want some business-like talk. Here we go. First we want to thank Apple, Inc. for leading and guiding us through this. Without their help, I’m not sure we could have got to this point so fast. We have been closely observing their actions and have modeled our future almost entirely on what we have witnessed. We watch them intently and set our strategy almost in direct opposition to each of their moves. It’s like they have created a playbook on how to destroy value so we look to play the other side of their bet. We knew they were effectively shutting themselves out of the game when they agreed to meet with Carl Icahn at his apartment for dinner to discuss financial engineering. Even though Carl owned a tiny bit of the company, perhaps 1% or less, he was successful at getting the Board to see things his way and borrow what is now a 61 Billion dollar debt load and send that money to shareholders. An extraordinarily short-term strategy. Not illegal. Not even immoral. Just short-term and not tech-friendly. Iterating in the tech word occurs in nanoseconds globally. Dividends don’t get paid out -ever. The value is in buying companies, talent and massive R & D budgets. Discovering, creating and iterating constantly and consistently. We watched as Apple focused on “return of capital”. We knew right then and there that we would do the opposite. Our weapon against Apple was the utter failure to recognize that their weakness was their focus on share price and dividends. Tim Cook actually called in to Jim Cramers show to discuss specifics! Tim can’t believe how undervalued Apple stock is. He can’t believe it and he called into a cable show to discuss it. The reason it’s undervalued is because the President of Apple is on the phone with Jim Cramer and not focused on the future of the company – he’s more worried about the daily stock chart! What? We used this time to double down and reinvest in our portfolio of companies including Google. Apple has been resting on their pile of cash, handing out dividends and watching their share price drop like an iPhone down the toilet. Messy, wet, not functioning properly but not quite out. No, they’re not out. We need them to stay in so we can have clear direction about what not to do. Can you imagine in your wildest dreams Steve Jobs bowing to shareholder demands and issuing dividends on borrowed money or any money for that matter? Steve was product and company focused and let the stock chips fall where they may. Now Apple wants to be liked by Wall Street. Isn’t that nice? So they do what they want. Ironically Wall Street will ultimately like us better because they always gravitate to the winner and as of today that’d be us.” —slater.com©

APPLE’S TIM COOK SAYS NOBODY WANTS AN APPLE SURFACE

Cupertino, CA November 16, 2015
Apple chief Tim Cook announced today that he will not under any circumstances introduce a combination iPad Mac. “I won’t do it. I refuse to believe that we’d sell a single unit. Remember we seem to know what people want before they do, right? So it just stands to reason that it is within our purview to decide who gets what and when. And I can tell you right here right now, we will not attach a physical keyboard to our iPad. Not now and not ever. Why should we? Nobody’d buy one or need one or use one. N O B O D Y. Not now, not ever.” The Apple leader was asked if he could even perceive of a valid use-case for an Apple-based Surface-like product. “No, who would need to carry around a mobile video screen and a keyboard? For what reason? What possible purpose could there be in doing so?” Cook was asked about similarities with his MacBook Air lineup and other lightweight laptops. Cook said, “Our other products may look similar to HP’s laptops or Microsoft’s surface tablet but their screens fold around to the back causing people to mistake them for tablets. We put a stopper on our laptops so the keyboard always stays close to the screen, never out of sight like theirs. Of course we do sell an accessory keyboard that you can lean the iPad on, but you don’t have to take it with you if you don’t want to. They may have something similar but we think of the little things and that in part is why we are the most valuable company in the world measured by market cap.” Cook was asked if the real reason he doesn’t want to promote product convergence is that it could reduce the number of products that consumers and businesses might need and purchase from him? “No, a thousand times no. Apple is and always has been about the customer. If the customer really wanted a surface-like product or an HP flip-screen model we’d simply develop a better one and offer the Apple upgrade to their users. But we know that it is multiple products that consumers and businesses want and need. Each unique product is a specialty item with a singular purpose. These are dedicated machines not toasters with radios in them. Consumers and businesses will ultimately have a centralized Apple Power Charging Station(APCS) where they will place their MacBook, Air, iPhones, iPads, Apple Watches, Apple TV and other electronic chargable specialty items each with a specific purpose in mind. Have a need? Check your Apple product inventory for just the right offering. If you’re going camping, take our iPad+ with real AppleToughSkin padding. Drop it in the woods, float it down the river, toss it to a friend, heck use it for a frisbee because this baby can take it. Need something light weight for a quick flight, take our new AppleHover pad. Impress your business associates with a tablet that floats 2 inches off any flat surface, projects a hologram that can be activated by AppleStem finger-mounted pointer-pods and none of you touches anything while still presenting the future to your clients in a next big thing kind of way. From our fashionable watchbands to our customizable product line-up Apple continues to be all about individuality and choice.” —slater.com©

Taylor swift wants a piece of the pie from apples swift programming language

Cupertino, Ca June 23, 2015
Taylor Swift today attacked Apple, Inc. lambasting and pummeling them in the press for the second time in as many days. Swift’s new complaint says that Apple has stolen her very name by selling a hot iOS programming language under the name Swift. Swift said, “What’s next, a software program that mends clothes called Taylor? I’ve had it up to here with Apple milking me and my image not to mention my intellectual property for all it’s worth. Did they think I wouldn’t notice they had named the hot software Swift? Pay up Apple or prepare to get muddy. I spoke with my friend Spike Lee about his tussle with Viacom over the naming of the cable network Spike and he said they finally backed down and paid up when he got all up in their business about it. Thanks Spike. I get it. Now Apple prepare to get yours”.

Tim Cook responded by saying, “Taylor you are a precious jewel of a singer and a pretty good dancer as well I might add. Swift is a common word in the English language that our attorney’s advised us we could use as it represented clean speed which we are trying to express through our development work. However we value you and were wondering if there was anything else we could do to molify and placate you at this time?”

Swift responded by saying, “Tim you are a gentleman. I have a few minor requests. First I would like 100 gold MacBooks sent to my top 100 fan club Presidents for $1. each. Second I would like my music to be prominently advertised on your web platforms at least 5 times per person per hour. Third I would like all iPods and other music devices to be pre-loaded with a snipet of my latest songs to provide a taste to my fans and new listeners of my most recent work. And last I would like the Apple store to move closer to my house as it is currently a 10 block walk to get there. There are some suitable locations in my neighborhood that would work”.

The Apple leader responded by saying, “Taylor you have once again shown your high level of professionalism. We will agree to your terms with one caveat. We must wait for our lease to end prior to moving our Apple store close to your home. In the meantime we will ship the notebooks, pre-load your songs and run the ads. Sing on sweet Taylor. You are a breath of fresh air!” —–slater.com©

Buffett’s Berkshire Baffled by Apples unwelcome overture

Omaha March 3, 2015-
Warren Buffett’s Berkshire Hathaway today announced that Cupertino California based Apple made official an uninvited hostile takeover offer for all of the outstanding stock in Berkshire Hathaway. Just after Buffett and Berkshire released their annual and widely read letter to the shareholders of Berkshire, Apple served notice of their intention to acquire all of the outstanding stock of Berkshire Hathaway via tender offer. Mr. Buffett said, “at first I thought it was a joke and a bad one but I’ve asked my secretary to check with the SEC to confirm. We’ll know if they’re serious if we discover they have filed a schedule “TO” indicating a tender offer. If as has been rumored, they already own more than 5% of our outstanding stock they’ll have had to have filed a “13D” so we’re checking it out. These are two very different businesses and don’t employ the same long or short term strategies so I’m just not sure what they’re up to. If true, we won’t take this lying down – that much I can tell you. I called Tim Cook but haven’t heard back from him as of yet”.

Reached in Cupertino for comment, Apple chief Tim Cook responded that,”Apple represents quality in the products we make and that won’t change. We specialize in consumer, business and education hardware and software and we want to remain focused on that core mission. Berkshire is a complementary organization to Apple in that we have never been very good at managing the huge cash flow that streams into our coffers daily. If one of our goals is to maximize shareholder returns, we need to do more than churn out great products and satisfy our customers. We need to optimize the returns we receive from investing all the cash that is excess to our operational needs. We got together in a large boardroom to hash out how we could build up our financial asset management division. As we did recently in many other areas of the company, we look for the best talent out there in the market – and this is important – whether they appear to be available or not. And believe me there is some great talent out there but the name that kept coming up was Warren Buffett. But it’s not just Warren and Charlie – it’s their entire organization that we have great respect for. So we wondered out loud – could we duplicate how they allocate capital, what they invest in and why? Possibly we thought. But then someone in the room said – and I don’t remember who – why don’t we just buy Berkshire and funnel all our excess capital to Warren & Co.? This way we’d have access to it if a large tech acquisition became available but it would be earning substantially more than the 1 or 2% we’re getting now. Of course we considered that Warren might rather remain independent and we wanted to play nice, but, we remembered that people writing about Warren indicated over and over again that he could be fair in his business dealings but opportunistic as well. So we felt that our offer to buy would need to be a solid business-oriented offer and we’d just move forward if we could get financing for the purchase as most of our $180 Billion dollar reserve is currently overseas. That’s when it hit us – we didn’t need to move our overseas cash here to buy Berkshire. Berkshire was already sitting on liquid investments in cash and stock of about $150 Billion. Their total market cap is about $350 Billion so we could use the currently held Berkshire cash and stocks as down payment and collateral for financing the balance of the acquisition. We thought Berkshire was the kind of company Warren would look to buy if he didn’t already own it. It was time to snatch the pebble from the masters hand”. –slater.com©