Tag Archives: Bill Clinton

HILLARY SAYS TO FRY FLYNN

February 15, 2017 Chappaqua, NY
“He wanted to lock me up for calling the Geek Squad at Best Buy to install my home server. Last time I checked the penalty for Treason is death. Did he maintain a non-secure communications device while at the Pentagon against the strict code? Did he communicate American secrets to foreign officials including Russia? What did the President know and when did he know it? Were they chanting lock her up during these purported criminal activities? Reminds me of the same plot used on old TV shows where the criminals call in a fake crime spree to the cops and then pull off their own heist. Distraction? Diversion? Or just plain clown car antics? Seems as if my investigation-loving Republican friends aren’t really in the mood to find out. Stay in your shells boys. If you come out, we may just have a few questions for you.” ~~slater.com©

AMERICANS BRACING FOR THE FIRST HALLOWEEN WHERE BOTH PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES ARE NOW SCARIER THAN ANY MASK

Washington, DC October 30, 2015
“I wouldn’t let my kids watch the debates. They were cartoonishly uncivilized” said Melody from Tampa. “My kids asked me if the people on TV are actors working for Saturday Night Live. I’m voting for one of them, but either choice is too embarrassing to mention.” said Joe from Bismarck. “We have hundreds of millions of people, many ethical, trustworthy and bright and these two are what we have to pick from in 9 days?” said Fran from Milwaukee. I told my son it’s very important to vote, but I can’t tell him which one I’m voting for as they both have breeched the ethical divide so often, it would give him a bad impression of separating wrong from right.” said Tommy from Jasper. “I’m glad human lifespans are so short. Just 50 or 60 New Years parties from now, a huge number of everyone alive today will be gone. Hopefully future generations will act responsibly and put forth qualified candidates for Leader of the Free World.” said George from Troy. —slater.com©

TRUMP SAYS I’M STAYING ALL IN

New York, NY October 9, 2016
“I’m not sure if the tape was doctored or what, but I don’t exactly remember saying all of that. I might have had a minor type of similar conversation with Billy Bush, but it was so long ago maybe the Clintons fixed up the tape to make me look bad, I really don’t know. What I do know is that Bill Cosby is on trial here not me, right? So if the evidence were so strong that something illegal happened, then why aren’t I in jail? Think about it. He’s out roaming the streets with his medication doing who knows what while the media focus’s on me. Is it Bill Cosby or Bill Clinton? I don’t know. What I do know is that some women are very hot. Should I keep that a secret? I don’t think so. Besides, get over yourselves. I’ve said and done a lot worse before this came out that everybody already knows about. Why this? Why now? Media bias, right? Just wear your red hats and vote for me and let my private conversations stay private. After all, what about the 1st and 2nd amendments? Think about that. Do we need more amendments to protect my right to speak with a member of the Bush family in a private bus, just us two? Can you get a little privacy here in the states? I’m not sure anymore, right? It seems a little coincidental that a relative of Jeb’s is trying to bring me down with a little tape. Bushes in the White House. Bushes in the media. What’s up with that? Seems a little fishy to me. Y’know Snowden’s in Russia where he can speak freely about stuff. Ironic right? Hillary blasts my friend Vladimir but he lets an American speak his mind. What about my rights? Do I have to go to Russia to say what I feel? I hope not. I hope that America is still a place I can call home. Women are driving this issue. I don’t have a problem with them. They have a problem with me. I’m an open book. What are they thinking? I don’t want their votes anyway. They can stay home for all I care. If they don’t like that kind of talk, vote for someone else. I’ve got to be me. I’ve got to be free to express myself. You finally have a chance to vote for a President that revealed the skeletons in his closet before election day, not after. I’m not dropping out. I’m not a quitter. Don’t miss your chance to bring some reality to DC.” —slater.com©

TRUMP SAYS DON’T ENTER MY BEAUTY CONTESTS IF YOU CAN’T MEET MY STANDARDS

New York, NY September 29, 2016
“It makes sense. I set the standards for beauty in contests that I own and run. If you don’t meet my standards don’t go crying to the press about it. Maybe you should just stop stuffing Dunkin Donuts down your piehole for a minute. I mean take a break honey. Give it a rest. You’re gonna wear out your choppers. Get a hobby, but don’t make it cooking, OK? Look, I’m as sensitive as the next guy, but this Miss Universe is spending her time complaining about things she said I told her years ago, please. I’m a businessman and her weight gain caused me to loose a few bucks so I told her to shape up or ship out. You think I invented shape up or ship out, huh? No, it’s been around for a long time. Get with the program honey. I like my models thin and thiner. Get it? Not dumb and dumber like you. I love women, but this is the beauty business. If you can’t stand the heat get back in the kitchen where you can be barefoot and pregnant for all I care, just not with my kid cause you have weight issues Miss Universe and I don’t put up with imperfection in the Trump family or any of our subsidiary organizations. Now don’t cry about it dear, there’s always next year at the Coney Island hot dog eating contest. You could partner with the 400 pound hacker I mentioned at the debate. I think you could do well as a team. As President I would have many new concepts for constructive citizenry including height and weight protocols. I believe strongly in eugenics and intend to apply Federal mandates for acceptable male and female appearance standardization”. —slater.com©

TRUMP SAYS I WON DEBATE AND MY MIKE WAS BROKEN

New York, NY September 27, 2016
“I won. I always win. Nothing new. Winners win. This debate was no different. Even with a bad mike, there really is no debate about it. Just about everyone on the internet says I’m the most interesting, exciting personality around. All the media is infatuated with me. I’m afraid to be alone with them. They give me the creeps, they’re so in love with everything I say and everything I do. Besides, I’m making them too much money by boosting their ratings through the roof. I can play them like a fiddle anyway. I can call a press conference, stop by a show or just call anyone at anytime and command attention. That’s leadership. Y’know leadership is not always doing something or having a plan. Sometimes it’s just leading. Leadership, don’t under rate it. I have it and I use it. No one else does, so follow me or I’ll remove you. Not like Hitler. I don’t want to kill anyone, but if you disagree with me like Hillary does, then you disagree with America and you need to leave. I don’t care where you go, just get out. Not just illegals, but Rosie O’Donnell and everyone else that is anti-me.” —slater.com©

BERNIE SAYS HE’S TAKING THE GLOVES OFF

New York, NY April 14, 2016
“I’m not gonna let them steal this election from the people without a fight! This country belongs to the people of the United States. All the people of the United States. Not just the millionaires and billionaires. Hillary wants a war. She got it! So one of the speakers at my rally in Washington Square Park last night made a comment that she took personally. It was about what you call someone who sells themselves for money. Hey guess what Hillary? What do you think would be appropriate to call someone who does just that? Yeah, maybe a slightly nicer word but the meaning is the same. You give speeches to Verizon, Goldman Sachs you name it. These speeches are really bribes for future favors. What? How dare you call speeches bribes, right? Look, what kind of an ego do you need to really believe that companies and countries really want to hear what you have to say to the tune of millions of dollars. They, as you know, are just trying to curry favor with you now and in the future. You’re looking for their backing and they’re looking for you to promote their agenda or at least not stop their progress. Oh don’t worry Hill dear, I wasn’t intimating that it’s just you. Do you really believe that Japan needed to give Ronald Reagan millions of dollars after he left office to hear him restate what he freely spoke of when in office. Hillary this is your establishments way of accepting dignified bribes. You and the Republicans aren’t fooling anyone. This is boldfaced lobbying and outright influence peddling. In the third world bribes are handed off in satchels full of cash. In your straight-laced above-board inner circle these payments are thoroughly washed by fronting them with business and speaking opportunities. It’s nothing more than a storefront for the political elite of both parties. Hey guess what Hill? The cat’s out of the bag. You are exposed. OK, you may wind up being President but the curtain is gonna be pulled back by me now and after the election as well. And please don’t let one of the unfortunate situations happen to me that seem to follow people on your enemies list. My thunderous youthful minions will run towards your White House with torches ablaze if you try it. Hey, here’s an idea. Why not work with us instead of falling back into your old ways? End on a high note for a change. Be authentic. Be real. Don’t be the eternal chameleon. Try reaching down into your own soul and finding your true self. You may just like what’s there. You probably haven’t seen it in a while. Get re-introduced. Either way though, I’m not going away. You’re gonna need to deal with me now and in the future. You will invite me to the White House for progressive talks. I’ll make it easy for you to recognize me when I get there. I’ll be the same person I’ve been for the last 50 years. Saying the same things. Authentically me. And I’ll be wearing the same suit and tie as well”. —slater.com©

HILLARY TRIES TO STEAL BERNIES FORMULA FOR COOL

New York, NY April 10, 2016
“We didn’t do it. Of all the things I’ve been accused of over all these years in politics, this takes the cake. We’re not trying to steal or emulate Bernies cool factor. Whatever he’s doing or saying that gives him the youth mojo is beyond me but I’ve just got to be whatever I am and I’m certainly not trying to act like anyone else. Look I know that Bernie is the it girl right now but I’ve got gravitas. Gravitas is what a President needs and experience of course and I have a boat load of both of these key ingredients. You want the kids waving signs and demanding free college, call him. You want a President with decades of real on-the-ground experience with leaders of all stripes from around the world, I’m your man – so to speak. OK I get it, kids are altruistic, hopeful, energetic and moral. I remember the feeling. But once you see how the sausage gets made, you become a little more of a realist, trust me. Watching what goes into the political meat grinder isn’t pretty but a good recipe can yield a great tasting meal no matter what it looks like going in. You want someone from the green hills of Vermont belting out a tune from the Sound of Music or a time-tested hardcore DC political dynamo like me? You want hopes and dreams and free stuff from your beloved Bern or a well-seasoned slightly jaded realist who can operate the levers of power in the nations capital? You know I could become a little more unkempt. Let my hair blow in the wind. Wear the same clothes day after day. Be defiant. Act all holier than thou and self righteous. But I need to project potential Presidentiality. I won’t go out and speak to an audience looking like I just woke up. I won’t do it. There’s a difference between a little casual Friday and a disrespectful demeanor. I’d like to think that I can be informal at the appropriate times but by and large this election is about who will lead the free world for four or possibly eight years. I will not forgo the dignity of my hotel room just to pitch a tent and unroll my sleeping bag in Central Park like Bernie is. I won’t sleep in the dirt just to super-pander to the Birkenstock beach club. Of course I do recognize that I am walking a fine line here as I will ultimately need Bernies kids to vote for me. So I need to somehow keep my chin up while he defeats me in state after state. The party presciently put super-delegates in place decades ago to avoid a brief but powerful swell of unwanted populism. This means I have already all but won the nomination. But I need to keep up the image of a struggle to give a kind of psudo-credit to Bernie and his groupies. It’s like walking on a silk tightrope. I kinda already won but my opponent semi-controls a big part of the audience I’ll need for my ultimate Presidential victory. So I can scold him and send him to his room but not too harshly. I can ground him but not the night of a good concert. But I can’t afford to push him too far away from me. That’s because after I’m declared the Democratic nominee, we’ll kill the fatted calf and welcome our wayward son home to the party with open arms”. —slater.com©

KEVIN MCCARTHY SAYS ITS JUST A BIG MISSUNDERSTANDING

Washington, DC October 1, 2015
Today Kevin McCarthy responded to the firestorm of criticism hurled in his direction by Democratic leaders. “It was all just a silly missunderstanding”, McCarthy said. “I didn’t even really say what they said I said”. McCarthy was shown the Sean Hannity interview tape and asked to respond. “Could it be that the media would have liked me to admit such things and that the video which could very well have been altered just happened to fall into Democratic hands? Is it possible that during a private conversation with my good friend Sean, things were taken out of context? Perhaps once again just when the Clintons needed a patsy to take attention from their most recent charges, they targeted me the presumptive next Speaker of the House? Did you consider any of those explanations?” McCarthy was asked if he is suggesting that the tape was a fake and that the interview on Hannity did not happen. “I speak with my friend Sean all of the time. I cannot be expected to remember each word of every sentence we discuss. Did we ever speak of Hillary? Yes. Is she my favorite person and my best girl? No. But read between the lines and let’s face facts. What I say in a moment of transparent honesty should not be held to the same standard as you might with say, inside the beltway political gibberish. Look there’s a game here and there are rules. If I need to stop speaking my mind on Fox, where can I get things off my chest? Where can I speak freely? What about article 19 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights? May I remind you that in 1689 England’s Bill of Rights legally established the constitutional right of Freedom of Speech in Parliament which is still in effect?” But Mr. McCarthy even with all of that taken into consideration, you are being formally accused by the Democrats of spending almost 5 million dollars on a partisan witch hunt. The accusation states that you intentionally used the murder of brave Americans as a tool to reduce the stature of the Secretary of State of the United States of America thereby insulting their memories and their families not to mention helping the terrorists to acheive their goal of splintering US citizens and leaders into factions under their well known divide and conquer strategy. What say you? “I will not take these baseless spurious hollow charges lying down. I will rise up and seek the truth wherever it may take me and back I might add. Say what you will about me if you must but I am proud to be an American and I always will be”. Sir, I’m not sure that your response even touched on my question, I mean even in the slightest way. Could you drill it down a little for me? “Sure son, look I didn’t bring this on the Clintons. The Clintons did. I can’t be blamed for their misdeeds now can I? Remember a stitch in time saves nine.” I don’t know what you’re talking about congressman McCarthy, can I get you a glass of water and would you like to sit down for a moment? “Son, in these perilous times of war we find ourselves in one must reach back and locate the inner strength to go on. After I am elected Speaker I’ll call you in for an in-depth interview where we can lay it all out clear as day for everyone to see. How’s that sound to you kid?” Thank you for the opportunity to speak with you in the future but could you give me anything on the Benghazi investigation that you spoke of with Sean Hannity where you seemed to indicate that the main purpose of the investigation was to harm Hillary Clintons chances at becoming the next President? “Sure here’s your take-away son, Edgar Bergen once told me, Charlie he said, that’s what he called me, he said Charlie just keep your mouth open a little and as if by magic the right words will come out one at a time. So far they always have”. —slater.com©

HILLARY AND JEB TEAM UP TO SLAY TRUMP AND SANDERS

New York, NY and Miami Fl September 4, 2015
Today Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush projected a united front during a joint live-video-feed press conference from New York and Miami simulcast on both twitter-owned periscope and independent meercat. Speaking as one, Clinton and Bush gave a 22 minute presentation on the merits of familial rule vs. random populace elections. Following are highlights of that discussion: Secretary Clinton began, “Look I get it. You want fresh faces from families that have not had a turn ruling yet. Sure a case could be made for that.” Bush chimed in, “I know that some people are tired of the Clinton-Bush rivalry and want to move on to a new era. But with the situation that the world somehow finds itself in today, Hillary and I know that this country needs experienced leadership.” Hillary followed up with, “That’s right Jeb, we both have extensive direct political experience as well as through familial ties and we can call on family members for advice since they would have also been President at one time.” Jeb said, “Yes, Hillary you’ve got to have someone to call when situations arise in the world. I’ll call my brother first as coincidentally he was smack-dab in the middle of most of the trouble spots that have emerged in the world today. Y’know even when we were just young tikes that boy was always getting himself and everyone around him in one heck of a heap a trouble, let me tell you.” Hillary said, “Don’t I know it Jeb, relatives can really get into some deep holes that are difficult to get out of. But they’re the only ones in the entire world who’ve been there and done that and we can’t let this kind of political insight go to waste.” Jeb said, “Y’know Hillary we may have different views on policy and party platforms but we sure do see eye-to-eye on this one. Let’s work together to keep America on the path to greatness by insuring that our future is in the hands of individuals that have been time-tested in key governmental roles over the long haul”. Hillary said, “You are so right Jeb, its really got to be a person and preferably a family that has already lived the Presidential experience from inside the White House, if posible. That doesn’t leave us with too many choices but we’ll work with what we’ve got. We’re Americans after all.” Jeb said, “You got that right Hillary, we get ‘er done. That we do and more. And you can quote me on that.” Hillary then said, “So Jeb let’s break down our plan for these fine journalists so we can get our bipartisan message out to the people intact. We plan to lay low and let the extreme right aka Mr.Trump and the extreme left aka Bernie Sanders fly all over the country and spout off at the mouth everything wrong with society and when they run down all their money and energy, we’ll offer solutions that Americans can believe in.” Jeb said, “You got it Hillary, we’ll wait ’em out and head ’em off at the pass. Whatever we got to do because their efforts as Bill Murray said just don’t matter and the entrenched, experienced, Washingtonians have the inside track and all the money. It just doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t matter.” “Jeb, you said a mouthful but you got it right. In a few months as they are running out of gas we’ll be there to scoop up their supporters with kind words and images of a bright future.” “They’ll never know what hit ’em Hill.” “They never do Jebby. They never do” —slater.com©