Tag Archives: Clinton

HILLARY SAYS TO FRY FLYNN

February 15, 2017 Chappaqua, NY
“He wanted to lock me up for calling the Geek Squad at Best Buy to install my home server. Last time I checked the penalty for Treason is death. Did he maintain a non-secure communications device while at the Pentagon against the strict code? Did he communicate American secrets to foreign officials including Russia? What did the President know and when did he know it? Were they chanting lock her up during these purported criminal activities? Reminds me of the same plot used on old TV shows where the criminals call in a fake crime spree to the cops and then pull off their own heist. Distraction? Diversion? Or just plain clown car antics? Seems as if my investigation-loving Republican friends aren’t really in the mood to find out. Stay in your shells boys. If you come out, we may just have a few questions for you.” ~~slater.com©

TRUMP AND CLINTON AGREE TO MARRIAGE OF CONVENIENCE

New York,NY November 7, 2016
In a surprise move, Donald J. Trump and Hillary Rodham Clinton today announced that they would divorce their current spouses and become man and wife. “It’s been on a slow boil for a while now”, Hillary said. “Yeah, she’s not really my type, but I’m going to the White House, one way or another. I always find an angle. I had some trouble convincing Melania but I understand that Bill was all in from the get go”, Trump remarked. “He’s not really so bad once you get to know him. The important thing is that we bring the country together”, said Hillary. “And we both think that Republican Abraham Lincoln said it best about 150 years ago”:

“With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in, to bind up the nation’s wounds, to care for him who shall have borne the battle and for his widow and his orphan, to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among ourselves and with all nations.”

—slater.com©

AMERICANS BRACING FOR THE FIRST HALLOWEEN WHERE BOTH PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES ARE NOW SCARIER THAN ANY MASK

Washington, DC October 30, 2015
“I wouldn’t let my kids watch the debates. They were cartoonishly uncivilized” said Melody from Tampa. “My kids asked me if the people on TV are actors working for Saturday Night Live. I’m voting for one of them, but either choice is too embarrassing to mention.” said Joe from Bismarck. “We have hundreds of millions of people, many ethical, trustworthy and bright and these two are what we have to pick from in 9 days?” said Fran from Milwaukee. I told my son it’s very important to vote, but I can’t tell him which one I’m voting for as they both have breeched the ethical divide so often, it would give him a bad impression of separating wrong from right.” said Tommy from Jasper. “I’m glad human lifespans are so short. Just 50 or 60 New Years parties from now, a huge number of everyone alive today will be gone. Hopefully future generations will act responsibly and put forth qualified candidates for Leader of the Free World.” said George from Troy. —slater.com©

REINCE PRIEBUS SAYS HE DIDN’T DESTROY THE PARTY

Washington, DC October 18, 2016
“I didn’t set out to destroy the party. I don’t really think it is broken even now. It’s just a boisterous bunch a boys lookin for a rowdy good time, that’s all. It is a party, ain’t it? Y’know my favorite song is Jason Aldeen’s My Kinda Party. I just love it. Really gets me going. So I’m not party averse. I mean let’s party, right? What is a political party anyway? A group of people getting together with mutual interests just trying to have a good time. That’s why they call it a party, right? Otherwise it’d just be called the administrative organization political group. That does not have a good ring to it, no sir. Hey, I’m the party leader and we have more Governors in office and we control the Senate and the House. So y’know, I’m not buying all the hand wringing over this election. Was Trumpy my first choice? No. But I only get one vote. The people chose Trump. Don’t blame me. The kids love him. I mean they just love him. Being able to say and do anything at anytime and then just blame whoever. They think he’s the greatest. One of ’em told me they may never get in trouble again. I mean seriously, we could sweep this thing, House, Senate whatever. It’s like we’re on a merry-go-round and it just won’t stop. Is the room moving or am I just getting dizzy? Remember Dizzy Gillespie? He could really play ball, right? We need more power hitters like him on the Washington Nationals. That team should be called the Washington Democrats, they lose so much, right? Anyway, I’m supposed to meet Trumpy later to make sure he’s with the program, but I’m not sure if the meetings still on. I just saw him on TV half way across the country. He’s funny. I like him. Have I introduced you to my secretary? Would you like a drink?” —slater.com©

TRUMP SAYS I’M STAYING ALL IN

New York, NY October 9, 2016
“I’m not sure if the tape was doctored or what, but I don’t exactly remember saying all of that. I might have had a minor type of similar conversation with Billy Bush, but it was so long ago maybe the Clintons fixed up the tape to make me look bad, I really don’t know. What I do know is that Bill Cosby is on trial here not me, right? So if the evidence were so strong that something illegal happened, then why aren’t I in jail? Think about it. He’s out roaming the streets with his medication doing who knows what while the media focus’s on me. Is it Bill Cosby or Bill Clinton? I don’t know. What I do know is that some women are very hot. Should I keep that a secret? I don’t think so. Besides, get over yourselves. I’ve said and done a lot worse before this came out that everybody already knows about. Why this? Why now? Media bias, right? Just wear your red hats and vote for me and let my private conversations stay private. After all, what about the 1st and 2nd amendments? Think about that. Do we need more amendments to protect my right to speak with a member of the Bush family in a private bus, just us two? Can you get a little privacy here in the states? I’m not sure anymore, right? It seems a little coincidental that a relative of Jeb’s is trying to bring me down with a little tape. Bushes in the White House. Bushes in the media. What’s up with that? Seems a little fishy to me. Y’know Snowden’s in Russia where he can speak freely about stuff. Ironic right? Hillary blasts my friend Vladimir but he lets an American speak his mind. What about my rights? Do I have to go to Russia to say what I feel? I hope not. I hope that America is still a place I can call home. Women are driving this issue. I don’t have a problem with them. They have a problem with me. I’m an open book. What are they thinking? I don’t want their votes anyway. They can stay home for all I care. If they don’t like that kind of talk, vote for someone else. I’ve got to be me. I’ve got to be free to express myself. You finally have a chance to vote for a President that revealed the skeletons in his closet before election day, not after. I’m not dropping out. I’m not a quitter. Don’t miss your chance to bring some reality to DC.” —slater.com©

TRUMP SAYS DON’T ENTER MY BEAUTY CONTESTS IF YOU CAN’T MEET MY STANDARDS

New York, NY September 29, 2016
“It makes sense. I set the standards for beauty in contests that I own and run. If you don’t meet my standards don’t go crying to the press about it. Maybe you should just stop stuffing Dunkin Donuts down your piehole for a minute. I mean take a break honey. Give it a rest. You’re gonna wear out your choppers. Get a hobby, but don’t make it cooking, OK? Look, I’m as sensitive as the next guy, but this Miss Universe is spending her time complaining about things she said I told her years ago, please. I’m a businessman and her weight gain caused me to loose a few bucks so I told her to shape up or ship out. You think I invented shape up or ship out, huh? No, it’s been around for a long time. Get with the program honey. I like my models thin and thiner. Get it? Not dumb and dumber like you. I love women, but this is the beauty business. If you can’t stand the heat get back in the kitchen where you can be barefoot and pregnant for all I care, just not with my kid cause you have weight issues Miss Universe and I don’t put up with imperfection in the Trump family or any of our subsidiary organizations. Now don’t cry about it dear, there’s always next year at the Coney Island hot dog eating contest. You could partner with the 400 pound hacker I mentioned at the debate. I think you could do well as a team. As President I would have many new concepts for constructive citizenry including height and weight protocols. I believe strongly in eugenics and intend to apply Federal mandates for acceptable male and female appearance standardization”. —slater.com©

TRUMP SAYS I WON DEBATE AND MY MIKE WAS BROKEN

New York, NY September 27, 2016
“I won. I always win. Nothing new. Winners win. This debate was no different. Even with a bad mike, there really is no debate about it. Just about everyone on the internet says I’m the most interesting, exciting personality around. All the media is infatuated with me. I’m afraid to be alone with them. They give me the creeps, they’re so in love with everything I say and everything I do. Besides, I’m making them too much money by boosting their ratings through the roof. I can play them like a fiddle anyway. I can call a press conference, stop by a show or just call anyone at anytime and command attention. That’s leadership. Y’know leadership is not always doing something or having a plan. Sometimes it’s just leading. Leadership, don’t under rate it. I have it and I use it. No one else does, so follow me or I’ll remove you. Not like Hitler. I don’t want to kill anyone, but if you disagree with me like Hillary does, then you disagree with America and you need to leave. I don’t care where you go, just get out. Not just illegals, but Rosie O’Donnell and everyone else that is anti-me.” —slater.com©

TRUMP DENIES SCATTERSHOT APPROACH

Detroit, MI September 4, 2016
“No, I have been and will remain totally focused. Being me doesn’t mean being anyone else. It means that I will project my insides outward for an aura of total honesty and trustworthiness. I completely deny that I want to be everything to everyone. Although as a salesman it is tempting to satisfy your audience and make the sale. I have been known to close a deal or two and then revert to my original plan. But let me tell you this, if my original plan was good then who cares. I mean what has anybody got to lose anyway? I’m me and I can get it done. You know it and I know it. Getting it done overrides following any game plan that may have been created by something that I might have said. Remember, I said it – so who would know what I meant better than me? And if I change my mind? Do you believe that only a lady can do that? That’s sexism. Rampant sexism and I won’t stand for it. Look however it turns out, don’t rely on some dopey speech I may have given or some plan you read about. Instead look for me to move the ball down the field and score the goal. Stop nitpicking about me saying one thing to one group and something else to another. In the end, if you elect me, you already know that I’ll do whatever I want whenever I want to. It’s less about a scattershot approach and more about winning. The ends justify the means, right? If you agree with me, vote for me and then let me worry about it.” —slater.com©

TRUMP SAYS NOT CRAZY

Ashburn, VA August 2, 2016
“I’m not crazy. She’s the devil, not me. She’s the one you should be looking at for testing. Get the demons out of Hillary, not me. I can control mine. I’m likely the sanest man on the planet. I’m very successful. I have a mansion and a yacht. Is anyone more successful than me? Not really. My head is screwed on straight. I’ve got it together. I’m my own man and build big things all over. People hire my company to consult. Do you usually pay millions of dollars to someone who is unstable? Stability is what I’m paid for. Keeping things on the up and up. On the straight and narrow. In a pigs eye I’m nuts. They’re nuttier than a fruitcake. Get my wallet from my jacket, I’ll show you who’s crazy. Here look do you see a business card from my shrink? See no shrink. I’m probably like the number one sanest person on this continent. Could I lend my name to developers if my name was no good? I beat all comers fair and square like I always do. Hillary should be committed not me. I take some meds to stay level, does she? Maybe the media should focus on Hillary’s stability not mine. I’m fully covered by my health plan and get all the medication I need. Nobody sleeps 4 hours and flies around like me. I’m everywhere. I don’t care if they legalize pot in Colorado or wherever. That’s not my prime concern. I got bigger fish to fry. There are a lot of Republicans that haven’t heard the last of me either. Drugs or no drugs I’ll take a medical test or drug test or whatever. Bring it on. I’m mentally competent. I’m the #1 most mentally competent man in the country. Nobody is more stable, even-tempered and likable than me. People form crowds wherever I go. People like me. I’m likable. Like me or don’t and I’ll return the favor at some point believe me. Get in line but be ready for blowback losers. I don’t let it roll off my back like water off a duck. I keep records. And remember insanity is not a plea or a defense, it’s just a state of mind if you can comprehend my stream of consciousness dynamic earthbound rhetorical diatribes with love and comfort but not the enemy cause that’s Hillary not me and whatever’s got a grip on her from inside get it out.” —slater.com©

CRUZ SAYS TO VOTE FOR HIM ANYWAY

Cleveland, OH July 21, 2016
“Vote your heart for freedom. Hear the bell of the people ringing and pull the lever with my name on it or write me in for the love of country. You know in your heart that only I can espouse and then execute on true conservative principles. Not Donald Trump or his thoughtless minions. It has to be me. I’m still available as a write-in. Use your voting power to send a message to Donald and his followers that we will not move. We will not be shaken. We will not change our positions for the convenience of the moment. Fly the Cruz flag next to the Stars and Stripes proudly. And if somehow I don’t get enough write-in votes to ascend to the Presidency and Hillary is elected then I can always try again in 2020. Remember I’m all about you and the USA not self-centered like the Donald. Vote your conscience fellow citizens.” —slater.com©