Tag Archives: iPhone

TIM COOK SAYS MY BAD ON IPHONE

Cupertino, CA April 24, 2018
“Ooops. Yes iPhone demand is way down and I take full responsibility. I thought that fashion and style would eclipse function and usability. But it looks like the people want both. And they seem to prefer function over style which I wouldn’t have guessed. Also, there have been some unintended consequences. Like, uh, by removing all the buttons and jacks, we are extending the life of the phones. One of the primary reasons people replace their old phones was all the crud and stuff that builds up on the key pad and other dimpled surfaces. Now that it’s just a sheet of glass, they are simply windexing it and good as new. We, of course, try to make them obsolete by not supporting older software, but they can still be used for quite a while severely impacting our sales going forward. And so many other vendors have copied our look and feel. Now the only point of differentiation is our ecosystem but with so many apps it is proving to be overwhelming. Many users just don’t even bother to self-curate. Plus Android has the majority market share and our ecosystem is increasingly available on their phones as well. Anyway we’ll figure it out or come up with the next big thing. I thought the watch might be it but we’re getting so good at miniaturization that it can easily be made into a phone but that doesn’t really help because the better the watch gets, the less necessary the iPhone is at all. Obviously that would eat into our other sales big time. But if we don’t and someone else does, iPhone sales still get cannibalized. In the meantime we’ll innovate, innovate, innovate by introducing new colors and fabrics for our stylish watchbands so you know we’ll stay at the forefront of tech. That and we’ve got a quarter of a trillion dollars cushion of runway before we need to panic.” ~~slater.com©

APPLE ANNOUNCES PLAN TO PRODUCE RUGGED IPHONE

Cupertino, CA. December 15, 2017
“We know. All glass is pretty but you must be gentle with it. You’re tired of walking on eggshells with your smartphone. That’s why we’re building you a new phone that once again will solve a big problem. Our main goal has always been to provide a great experience by combining fresh design with enhanced functionality. But we hear you, your beautiful iPhone X is best carried around on a red velvet pillow. All glass, it smudges, cracks and is more of a piece of art than a reliable digital assistant. So we’re about to introduce a titanium-framed hard-bodied workhorse phone that you can take anywhere and do anything with. Our precious iPhone X should still be purchased for special occasions like a lady with her formal clutch purse glittering in the evening. It’s a fashion accessory that you simply must carry to all society events. It also looks good sitting on your desk in its’ shiny, polished and gleaming glass container. Just don’t touch, please. Meanwhile grab hold of our new XT and XTR. The XT is titanium all around with a proprietary transparent metal alloy screen. This is a phone you can use just about wherever and whenever you want. But for the really tough environments get the XTR. It’s rubber coated titanium and built to last. Our newest commercial with Clint Eastwood in a retro movie scene really captures the essence of the XTR. We’ll still run the new iPhone X commercials with images of an unmatched colidescopic pixelation experience. Internally we call this hypnotic ad “Look at all the pretty colors”. ~~slater.com©

APPLE AGREES TO LICENSE ANDROID FOR IPHONE

Cupertino, Ca. December 27, 2016
In a surprise move today, Apple announced that they would begin to license Alphabets’s Android operating system for the iPhone. Tim Cook introduced the new iPhone with dual ios and android operating systems at a press conference outside the new Apple headquarters. “It really makes sense to do this right now. We offer the windows operating system on our macs, so we are always in a co-opetition mode with our frenemies. It was really only a matter of time so we thought we’d like to go into 2017 with the wind at our back. Now on your iPhone you can opt to utilize the superior features of either system. At this point only the iPhone can run everything. Download any app to the iPhone even if development has only been completed in one operating system. Simple, easy, embracing change and inclusive. It’s pure Apple and only from us”. ~slater.com©

TIM COOK SAYS iPhone WILL BE SHEET OF GLASS

Cupertino, Ca. September 11, 2016
“We’re not done. I mean it. Removing the phone jack was just a small step towards our ultimate version of the iPhone. I don’t mind telling you what to expect in the future. It’ll be just a sheet of waterproof, smudge-proof, unbreakable glass. On both sides y’know really it will be just like a clear ice cube. There will be no buttons or protrusions. Nothing to interfere with the pure beauty of a small sheet of clear glass. Even the camera components won’t be discernible from the clear phone itself. There will be 30 lenses. You won’t need to know where the lenses are as they will find you and your subjects. It does this in two ways. We will use harmless laser scanner image detection technology and by massive memory capacity that allows constant videos and photographs to be recorded in advance of your request, therefore capturing events that you would not have known you even wanted to record. First our products were known for being something that you didn’t even know that you needed. Now the products themselves will be responsible for capturing all kinds of sounds and images that you didn’t know you wanted, well, until you do. And they’ll be uploaded to the Apple cloud in real time for your retrieval whenever you want. Question about where you were at some point? Pull the images and location data for a specific time and date. We’ll store everything indefinitely for you. Basically you will just speak your command and you needn’t touch the phone in any way. It will be operable from up to 100 feet away. It’s really just a base station at that point. You’ll need to be wearing your Apple ear buds at all times but why wouldn’t you anyway? The ear buds will have a super sensitive microphone to broadcast your commands to your clear sheet of glass iPhone. If you call for a video it will project a holographic image on the most hospitable surface it can find or a location of your choice including right in front of your face. Calls will be routed directly to your ear buds, emails or texts will be dictated and launched remotely. All can be accepted or rejected by voice command. Movies can be filmed with the phone recording multiple scenarios, angles and positions including up to 100 versions. The phone can edit all the data and process best case offering choices for your selection or you can manually review and edit like the old days. Apps won’t exist, of course, as everything considered back end will just be unnecessary noise. When you call for something it’ll be available to you without finding it in a store or paying. Your monthly Apple all-access pass will cover everything. There will also be an advanced siri-style AI component that gets used to you, if you will, and just knows what to play, which calls to accept, emails to write and texts to send automatically or with input from you if desired. The next-gen ear buds at that point will have replaced our watch product in terms of functionality. The watches will still be available as a retro party favor. But the ear buds will project holographic images and communicate with you via voice command, so some large box on your wrist will look about as stylish as a large brick phone from 1988. You can count on us to move things forward and don’t worry, you’ll get used to leaving your phone wherever you want up to 100 feet away. Your earbud projector, microphone and voice command unit really covers almost all of what you currently use your iPhone for. The iPhone isn’t likely to be stolen either. It automatically contacts you and the police if you wish, should anyone other than you try and pick it up. The phone will recognize your hand coupled with the electronic signature of your ear bud. Basically the glass sheet shuts down and becomes a hot potato paper weight to anyone foolish enough to take it. Yeah, there’s a lot to look forward to and really as you might have guessed, we expect the ear bud to ultimately replace the glass sheet. Of course, the ear bud itself is scheduled to be replaced by a semi-protruding earlobe implant which we believe will replace physical product launches with software downloads directly to you whenever you are online or near a hot spot.” —slater.com©

TIM COOK SAYS THERE ARE INFINITE SIZE OPTIONS FOR IPHONES

Cupertino, CA. March 25, 2016
“Our new form factor 4-inch iPhone is a tight little package filled with goodies. We’re listening and we heard you appleonians. You wanted some of the vintage apple experience with a fresh twist and now it is available in our new SE model. A full 4-inch retina display yet small enough to slip into your summer shorts. We weren’t sure that once you’d experienced our 5.5-inch iPhone that you’d be comfortable returning to our 4-inch model but our testing showed that people waxed nostalgic for the old girl. So we rolled her out of storage and propped her up with all our latest gizmos. You’ll have a 12 megapixel camera, crisp retina display and feel free to shoot 4K videos whenever you want. You’re carrying around a TV studio in your pocket. Of course, some people think this is the end of Apple as it looks to the outside world like we are warming day-old bread. But nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, this form factor interplay combined with technological advancements allows us to mix and match chips, screens and memory with other internal capabilities. Our range of colors and bead-blasted aluminum with a satin-like finish are sure to please. Don’t forget our matte-camfered edges combined with a color-matched stainless steel Apple logo to finish the look. Now with all the combinations and permutations available to us, we can launch and release new versions of any of our products at will. A little bigger, a little smaller, add this, delete that and voila – a new product is available. This provides some great filler for us in between earth-shattering world-changing product announcements. We are also working with our Chinese partners on a fully customizable model line-up. If they agree to stock a virtually infinite line of parts we plan to offer the ability to select from a range of sizes of phone bodies much like you do when you purchase a high-end camera. After you select the iPhone body, you can specify the camera type, lens’s, software, chips, memory and other customizable features. Some people may even purchase the hollow iPhone body as wall or desk art. Just the unfinished phone waiting for completion that may never arrive. Sad but yet still hopeful like good art can be. Anyway, this new development sure takes a load off my mind. Every day the whole world waits for the next thing from us. What if I don’t have a next thing or what if I do but it doesn’t become the next big thing? There’s a reason Steve considered himself a Willie Wonka of sorts. That’s because a big part of what we do is show business. The mystery. The aura. What’s going on in there? That’s part of the rationale for our new spaceship campus to kind of keep our image as a secretive dark tech/design braintrust able to spew out the next great thing on demand. But if you’ve ever been in a show, you know that it’s hardest for the actors to suspend disbelief because they’re the one’s doing the pretending.” —slater.com©