Tag Archives: Jeb Bush

TRUMP SAYS I’M STAYING ALL IN

New York, NY October 9, 2016
“I’m not sure if the tape was doctored or what, but I don’t exactly remember saying all of that. I might have had a minor type of similar conversation with Billy Bush, but it was so long ago maybe the Clintons fixed up the tape to make me look bad, I really don’t know. What I do know is that Bill Cosby is on trial here not me, right? So if the evidence were so strong that something illegal happened, then why aren’t I in jail? Think about it. He’s out roaming the streets with his medication doing who knows what while the media focus’s on me. Is it Bill Cosby or Bill Clinton? I don’t know. What I do know is that some women are very hot. Should I keep that a secret? I don’t think so. Besides, get over yourselves. I’ve said and done a lot worse before this came out that everybody already knows about. Why this? Why now? Media bias, right? Just wear your red hats and vote for me and let my private conversations stay private. After all, what about the 1st and 2nd amendments? Think about that. Do we need more amendments to protect my right to speak with a member of the Bush family in a private bus, just us two? Can you get a little privacy here in the states? I’m not sure anymore, right? It seems a little coincidental that a relative of Jeb’s is trying to bring me down with a little tape. Bushes in the White House. Bushes in the media. What’s up with that? Seems a little fishy to me. Y’know Snowden’s in Russia where he can speak freely about stuff. Ironic right? Hillary blasts my friend Vladimir but he lets an American speak his mind. What about my rights? Do I have to go to Russia to say what I feel? I hope not. I hope that America is still a place I can call home. Women are driving this issue. I don’t have a problem with them. They have a problem with me. I’m an open book. What are they thinking? I don’t want their votes anyway. They can stay home for all I care. If they don’t like that kind of talk, vote for someone else. I’ve got to be me. I’ve got to be free to express myself. You finally have a chance to vote for a President that revealed the skeletons in his closet before election day, not after. I’m not dropping out. I’m not a quitter. Don’t miss your chance to bring some reality to DC.” —slater.com©

CRUZ SAYS HIS PROXY TRUMP ATTACKERS ACTING ON OWN

Wisconsin March 24, 2016
“People attacking Donald Trump and his wife are not under my control. I stay above board at all times with an even temper and a calm demeanor. A steady hand at the wheel. On the other hand Trump is flailing out there yelling his head off and continuing to insult women which is indefensible because they are frail and cannot defend themselves. We must stand up for the women that Donald is verbally accosting. They have no way to stop him other than our chivalrous defense. Donald cannot continue to degrade and denigrate women reporters and other candidates wives. We won’t stand for it and the American people won’t either. I’m asking here and now for the Donald to refrain from his childish and lowbrow behavior, to climb out of the gutter and return national politics to the dignified status that it should always command.”

Trump responded, “Lyin Ted can stick it. Y’know lyin Ted is a typical politician. He says and does whatever he thinks will get him the most applause at the moment and he is a consummate bridge burner. He is hated in congress and has massive negative energy and is virtually unlikable. I mean have they ever had anyone test worse than him on likability? When my buddy Mitt Romney asked his people in Utah to vote for Ted he was holding his nose and didn’t support him in any way, it was just a tactic to try and slow me down. Even Ted’s supporters just want to figure out a way to snatch this nomination from the voters. In the end though, everyone will see through Teds and Mitts electoral trickery. Ted is like Iran. Yeah you heard me. His proxies do all the dirty work just like Iran and then Ted stands on the stage and says WHO ME? My hands are clean. You ain’t foolin no one lyin Ted. It’s you and your cronies who’ll do anything to get power. But in the end the American people won’t be any more fooled by your obvious misdirection than your colleagues in the Senate who to the one can’t stand the sight of you.” —slater.com©

TRUMP SAYS THERE ARE MANY PEOPLE NAMED DAVID DUKE

Palm Beach, Fl February 29, 2016
Today Republican Presidential hopeful Donald Trump disputed claims of allegiance with the former KKK Grand Wizard. “More gotcha moments from the liberal press. OK you got me. I don’t know every person by the name of Duke in the US. What about the Duke family of New Jersey who founded Duke University, I think? What about one of my favorite actresses, Patty Duke? What about David Duke the soccer player from Scotland? What about Daisy Duke and her jean shorts? If you’re an American you’d better not have anything bad to say about her. That’s why I like Governor Palin, she knows about all your gotcha moments. Yeah my earpiece was working but I’m tired of all your politically correct questions. The answer is simple. I want every vote I can get. Every one. I’m not going to tell people that want to elect me to go away. What they think and what they do is not always what I think and what I do.” Trump was asked if he might be pushing away a very large swath of his potential supporters by not distancing himself from purported hate mongers. “Hey, I’ve also been called a rabble rouser and pseudo hate monger, I can identify with those false accusations. You know, not everything attributed to someone can always be proven later. It’s a murky, shaded, grey and cloudy world out there. A strong hand with a clear National mandate can really bring things under control. People call that fascist or dictatorial but I call it leadership. Once I’m in the Oval Office and in control of the levers of power I believe I can shift the separate but equal powers of congress into the White House. I will negotiate that edge with certain members of Congress and once I have it I’ll act with a brutal decisiveness that hasn’t been seen in a while but has been bubbling up just below the surface. Now get behind me or get out of the way my fellow Americans.” —slater.com©

CHRIS CHRISTIE SAYS AS VP HE’LL BE ABLE TO CURB TRUMP

Trenton, NJ February 28, 2016
Chris Christie restated his formal endorsement in Texas for businessman and Republican Presidential hopeful Donald Trump. “Look, I’m a straight talker you know that. Yeah I think I’d make a better President than Donald. Everyone running thinks they’re the best so what’s new. The reality is you’ve also got to be a realist. My main concern is that I have offended the people of New Jersey by signing up to be their Governor and then went and tried to get another job in a very public way. Of course they’re angry. It’s just human nature. I’d want the guy I hired to be at work and to get things done. And yeah we’re accomplishing stuff but let’s be real, probably not as much as if I was exclusively focused on being Governor of New Jersey. So with the residents of my state agitated and my Presidential ambitions currently suspended, I took a breath and realized that Vice President of the United States doesn’t sound too bad. Now understand this, Donald did not make any concrete promises, but I think we’re simpatico on many issues and quite frankly we’d make a great team. I’m a loyal guy and Donald respects loyalists. And the thing is whether or not you believe he can get done the things he has promised to do, his track record in terms of completing promised projects is pretty good. When I saw him initially adopting the same Make America Great Again slogan as Hitler used, it did kind of offend me, but hey I’m from New Jersey and if there’s one thing we know here it’s keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” —slater©

JEB SAYS I’M REALLY STILL IN

Miami, Fl February 23, 2016
Today former Florida Governor Jeb Bush commented outside his Miami campaign HQ. “I only said I was suspending my campaign. I’m a long way from out. I’m actually still very much alive. I’m hovering around being an active player but right now I’m circling but not quite ready to jump back into the fray. A lot of people confuse suspending a campaign with abandoning a campaign. I in no way ever used the word abandon. That’s just not my style. I said I would see this through to the end and that’s just what I’m going to do. Remember they still need to choose a VP and my Dad was Regans VP and that didn’t work out too bad now did it? So don’t count me out and don’t try to pigeon hole me. I may seem like I’ve stepped aside but the way I see it Donald Trump doesn’t wind up being the President. Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz may have citizenship problems. I mean Ted Cruz was a sitting US Senator while he was a citizen of another country. He wasn’t born here and we’re not sure whether Marco has some illegal immigration issues or not. I mean we just don’t know. So what about Dr. Carson? Nice guy but so many concerns it’s not really conceivable that he could emerge. That leaves Kasich. I’m seeing Bush/Kasich or even Kasich/Bush. I can’t say why but I’m feelin like that could be my ticket out of this mess. I can’t go up to Kennebunkport this summer a total loser. I’ve got to save face somehow. I mean my Dad has SS protection and my Brother has all his agents around plus former Presidents get updates on what’s going on which they are prohibited from talking to me about. So you think I’m going to watch my Father and Brother walk into the den and close the door, lock me out and post a guard while they are privy to the most important issues of our day? NO. I suffered a lot of injustice and embarrassment during this campaign so far but I’m not going away so fast. One way or another I’m still thinking that the Bush Clinton feud ain’t over.” —slater.com©

TRUMP CALLS OUT CARSON AS FIBBER

New York, NY November 10, 2015
At an impromptu press conference in the lobby of Trump Tower today Donald Trump spoke about Ben Carson. “Did he lie? I’ll leave that for you to decide. But I can say he’s a loser of the first order. That I can tell you. It’s not just that I’m a big winner – it’s that he’s a major loser.” Trump was asked why is Carson such a big loser. “Isn’t it obvious? He says he’s pathological. So a loser is someone who loses either way. Look I mean c’mon if he’s lying he loses and if he’s telling the truth he’s pathological. That’s a loser. I mean that is what a loser is. Someone who loses either way. It’s the very definition. I’m not just calling him a very low energy, bumbling, pyramid fact busting, people-stabbing loser. I’m calling him one of the biggest losers I’ve ever met or even ever heard of. He’s a loser if he’s right and he’s a loser if he’s wrong. That’s what a loser is. I think this guy is negative energy. I mean it’s that low. When he stands next to Jeb, Jeb looks electric. Don’t get me wrong, I like the guy as a person, but a leader needs more than smarts and a medical degree. He needs people to follow him into battle even when things are cloudy. A leader moves and people follow him automatically without thought or effort, they move as one, together. You think when Ben stands up to move anyone even notices? C’mon. His claim to fame is trying to stab someone? Getting a full ride to a school that never charges anyone? Admitting to both never applying to West Point and also getting a scholarship? C’mon!” But Mr. Trump, you have been proven to have been mistaken in your speech on numerous occasions. Aren’t you the last person who should be criticizing someones veracity? “No! That’s one of my endearing leadership qualities. Ben doesn’t have it. If he did he could say anything like I do. My credibility is unimpeachable. In essence, I do my best but get a pass because people sense I’m really like them if they had 10 billion dollars. Just like them but able to do or say whatever I want whenever I want to. They’re me and I’m them. You don’t go out of your way to accuse yourself of anything now do you so they give themselves and me a pass. And when I get a pass I tend to use it”. —slater.com©

BENGHAZI COUNT NOW UP TO 5 INCLUDING REPUBLICANS

WASHINGTON D.C. October 23, 2015
Republican bloodbath hopes were dashed yesterday as Hillary Clinton sustained 11 hours of verbal assault aimed squarely at derailing her Presidential aspirations. A Republican party source confided today that spending more taxpayer dollars on Benghazi was not looking like our greatest idea. He said, “I mean we’re beyond watergate at this point. It’s starting to come back around at us and as my friend Nelly likes to say, it’s getting hot in here”. He continued, “You see with the Regan barracks attack and 9/11 and such, we kinda felt like we needed to maintain our Republicans will keep you safe mantra. So we’ve been looking for something to leech onto. We got this Benghazi situation and we’ve been trying to milk it like it’s the last cow alive in the barn and the kids haven’t eaten in days. But the milk is going sour on us as it appears that unbeknownst to us this Hillary would turn out to be the only one in the room who could take the heat. Go figure. I mean we thought for sure she’d crack under the lights with all of us sitting up on high yelling down at her. But she held her own, I mean don’t tell anyone I said that, please. And we never expected that even our base would reject our attempts to connect Hillary with the murder of 4 Americans including her friends. Usually they just roll with Fox’s talking points. But we’re sensing something different this time and it’s making us somewhat uncomfortable. I mean I was squarely for Trump before yesterday but now even I’m starting to think that it might take someone with her kind of experience to lead us out of this international mess that happened under W and others mind you. Again, this is just between us. Anyway, some of us are trying to figure out a way to bow out of Benghazi without losing face, but right now everytime we bring it up, I think we are adding points to Hillary’s side. We have some other options that we are pursuing right now in private session. We are considering re-opening the Whitewater investigation as well as the cattle futures mess and some of the issues concerning her family members that have been caught fibbing in the past. We’ll tar and feather her with all we’ve got and if that don’t work we’ll run her out of town on a rail. This isn’t about winning for all the American people anymore. This is about winning for our American people. Coming together is now anathema to our party. Winning means that the Democrats lose and if that takes our neighbors down with it, so be it.” —slater.com©

HILLARY AND JEB TEAM UP TO SLAY TRUMP AND SANDERS

New York, NY and Miami Fl September 4, 2015
Today Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush projected a united front during a joint live-video-feed press conference from New York and Miami simulcast on both twitter-owned periscope and independent meercat. Speaking as one, Clinton and Bush gave a 22 minute presentation on the merits of familial rule vs. random populace elections. Following are highlights of that discussion: Secretary Clinton began, “Look I get it. You want fresh faces from families that have not had a turn ruling yet. Sure a case could be made for that.” Bush chimed in, “I know that some people are tired of the Clinton-Bush rivalry and want to move on to a new era. But with the situation that the world somehow finds itself in today, Hillary and I know that this country needs experienced leadership.” Hillary followed up with, “That’s right Jeb, we both have extensive direct political experience as well as through familial ties and we can call on family members for advice since they would have also been President at one time.” Jeb said, “Yes, Hillary you’ve got to have someone to call when situations arise in the world. I’ll call my brother first as coincidentally he was smack-dab in the middle of most of the trouble spots that have emerged in the world today. Y’know even when we were just young tikes that boy was always getting himself and everyone around him in one heck of a heap a trouble, let me tell you.” Hillary said, “Don’t I know it Jeb, relatives can really get into some deep holes that are difficult to get out of. But they’re the only ones in the entire world who’ve been there and done that and we can’t let this kind of political insight go to waste.” Jeb said, “Y’know Hillary we may have different views on policy and party platforms but we sure do see eye-to-eye on this one. Let’s work together to keep America on the path to greatness by insuring that our future is in the hands of individuals that have been time-tested in key governmental roles over the long haul”. Hillary said, “You are so right Jeb, its really got to be a person and preferably a family that has already lived the Presidential experience from inside the White House, if posible. That doesn’t leave us with too many choices but we’ll work with what we’ve got. We’re Americans after all.” Jeb said, “You got that right Hillary, we get ‘er done. That we do and more. And you can quote me on that.” Hillary then said, “So Jeb let’s break down our plan for these fine journalists so we can get our bipartisan message out to the people intact. We plan to lay low and let the extreme right aka Mr.Trump and the extreme left aka Bernie Sanders fly all over the country and spout off at the mouth everything wrong with society and when they run down all their money and energy, we’ll offer solutions that Americans can believe in.” Jeb said, “You got it Hillary, we’ll wait ’em out and head ’em off at the pass. Whatever we got to do because their efforts as Bill Murray said just don’t matter and the entrenched, experienced, Washingtonians have the inside track and all the money. It just doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t matter.” “Jeb, you said a mouthful but you got it right. In a few months as they are running out of gas we’ll be there to scoop up their supporters with kind words and images of a bright future.” “They’ll never know what hit ’em Hill.” “They never do Jebby. They never do” —slater.com©

Jeb says Trump not playing fair

Miami FL July 30, 2015
Today Jeb Bush gave a brief campaign speech in his home state of Florida focusing on the surging Trump campaign. Bush said, “Trump is not abiding by our internal ruleset. He knows it’s my turn. Daddy said I could be President next. And Trump knows that I will be the Republican nominee because my family, Karl Roves pac and the Kochs will see to that.” Asked why he seemed so upset if he would ultimately receive the nod Bush replied, “Because he’s saying all kinds of stuff that needn’t be said. You don’t speak about family business in public and you don’t ridicule other Republicans if you are a Republican. Trump said my Brother dubya was a half wit no good two timin loser who pretty much messed up the world in 8 years and would probably have destroyed what’s left of it if he had a third term. Was that necessary?” Bush was asked, Well what about free speech? Bush said, “Yes, free speech to a point. Free speech doesn’t mean you say anything you want to say whenever you want to say it, does it?” Well Mr. Bush, actually it does. “That’s your opinion. My take is that a certain genteel decorum should be maintained at all times. We are the party of honor, respect and service – yes service.” But Mr. Bush members of your family describe politics as your family business where you’ve made millions of dollars. Isn’t that self-service? Bush said, “That’s cute but you’ll need to do some better research before launching wild accusations our way. Besides Trump made millions as well.” Yes but he made it in the private sector which Republicans usually admire. “Look I’m glad Trump’s successful and a Republican. Just let him go back to his office and take care of business while those of us Bushes who are appointed to serve the people continue on in our proper roles. It’s only fair. —-slater.com©

Jeb says third times the charm

Miami Florida June 18, 2015
Today Jeb Bush said that all the fuss about his family political dynasty is being overblown. “I am my own man. My family has zero to do with me in any way regarding my candidacy. As you know my Mother famously said that enough Bushes have already been President and to give others a chance. But even so I will run and try my best to win and lead this great country of ours!” Bush was asked about his Dad failing to get a second term and his brother acting on misinformation and being largely blamed for the condition of the Middle East and other world problems. He replied, “It falls to me to correct Bush-caused problems of the past. I am the chosen one who will bring our families honor back whatever it takes. Count on that!” He was asked what makes him so confident and replied, “All my life I’ve noticed patterns. And all my life those patterns seemed to fall in threes. Ipso facto, I will be the Bush family saviour as the third times the charm. You know how you sometimes dream that the whole world is really just a set for your personal play? No? Well I do sometimes and as a Bush I kind of feel that we are supposed to be the lead actors in this play. You know how in High School the same actors keep getting chosen for the lead until they graduate? Well just think of my Father and Brother having graduated and now I’m up. Maybe in all of your personal plays or movies you can be President too! Meanwhile I think it’s pretty obvious that it’s my turn. Don’t get me wrong. I know I’ll have to work for it. You will all try and make it harder on me to build me up and train me, but, the conclusion of the story has already been written in my mind”. —-slater.com©