Tag Archives: technology

TIM COOK SAYS MY BAD ON IPHONE

Cupertino, CA April 24, 2018
“Ooops. Yes iPhone demand is way down and I take full responsibility. I thought that fashion and style would eclipse function and usability. But it looks like the people want both. And they seem to prefer function over style which I wouldn’t have guessed. Also, there have been some unintended consequences. Like, uh, by removing all the buttons and jacks, we are extending the life of the phones. One of the primary reasons people replace their old phones was all the crud and stuff that builds up on the key pad and other dimpled surfaces. Now that it’s just a sheet of glass, they are simply windexing it and good as new. We, of course, try to make them obsolete by not supporting older software, but they can still be used for quite a while severely impacting our sales going forward. And so many other vendors have copied our look and feel. Now the only point of differentiation is our ecosystem but with so many apps it is proving to be overwhelming. Many users just don’t even bother to self-curate. Plus Android has the majority market share and our ecosystem is increasingly available on their phones as well. Anyway we’ll figure it out or come up with the next big thing. I thought the watch might be it but we’re getting so good at miniaturization that it can easily be made into a phone but that doesn’t really help because the better the watch gets, the less necessary the iPhone is at all. Obviously that would eat into our other sales big time. But if we don’t and someone else does, iPhone sales still get cannibalized. In the meantime we’ll innovate, innovate, innovate by introducing new colors and fabrics for our stylish watchbands so you know we’ll stay at the forefront of tech. That and we’ve got a quarter of a trillion dollars cushion of runway before we need to panic.” ~~slater.com©

GOOGLE AGREES TO SELL SEARCH BUSINESS TO YAHOO

Mountain View, CA. October 6, 2016
“The valley is about constant innovation and reinvention. If we just rest on our laurels we’ll only get as far as we’ve already been and no further. We want to step boldly into the future. To do that we sometimes need to make painful decisions. This was one of them. It really all started with search. Search brought us to the party. But it’s becoming a commodity. You can find whatever you need on ask, bing, duckduckgo, or dogpile. The delta between us and them has been shrinking and historically so do the margins. Once a product goes generic, it’s time to move on. Let yahoo add our distinctiveness to their own and a superior product should emerge. We will retain a non-material equity position in Verizon who is scheduled to aquire yahoo in the future. We plan to reinvest the proceeds in flying cars, balloon internet delivery platforms and life extension research.” —slater.com©

TIM COOK SAYS iPhone WILL BE SHEET OF GLASS

Cupertino, Ca. September 11, 2016
“We’re not done. I mean it. Removing the phone jack was just a small step towards our ultimate version of the iPhone. I don’t mind telling you what to expect in the future. It’ll be just a sheet of waterproof, smudge-proof, unbreakable glass. On both sides y’know really it will be just like a clear ice cube. There will be no buttons or protrusions. Nothing to interfere with the pure beauty of a small sheet of clear glass. Even the camera components won’t be discernible from the clear phone itself. There will be 30 lenses. You won’t need to know where the lenses are as they will find you and your subjects. It does this in two ways. We will use harmless laser scanner image detection technology and by massive memory capacity that allows constant videos and photographs to be recorded in advance of your request, therefore capturing events that you would not have known you even wanted to record. First our products were known for being something that you didn’t even know that you needed. Now the products themselves will be responsible for capturing all kinds of sounds and images that you didn’t know you wanted, well, until you do. And they’ll be uploaded to the Apple cloud in real time for your retrieval whenever you want. Question about where you were at some point? Pull the images and location data for a specific time and date. We’ll store everything indefinitely for you. Basically you will just speak your command and you needn’t touch the phone in any way. It will be operable from up to 100 feet away. It’s really just a base station at that point. You’ll need to be wearing your Apple ear buds at all times but why wouldn’t you anyway? The ear buds will have a super sensitive microphone to broadcast your commands to your clear sheet of glass iPhone. If you call for a video it will project a holographic image on the most hospitable surface it can find or a location of your choice including right in front of your face. Calls will be routed directly to your ear buds, emails or texts will be dictated and launched remotely. All can be accepted or rejected by voice command. Movies can be filmed with the phone recording multiple scenarios, angles and positions including up to 100 versions. The phone can edit all the data and process best case offering choices for your selection or you can manually review and edit like the old days. Apps won’t exist, of course, as everything considered back end will just be unnecessary noise. When you call for something it’ll be available to you without finding it in a store or paying. Your monthly Apple all-access pass will cover everything. There will also be an advanced siri-style AI component that gets used to you, if you will, and just knows what to play, which calls to accept, emails to write and texts to send automatically or with input from you if desired. The next-gen ear buds at that point will have replaced our watch product in terms of functionality. The watches will still be available as a retro party favor. But the ear buds will project holographic images and communicate with you via voice command, so some large box on your wrist will look about as stylish as a large brick phone from 1988. You can count on us to move things forward and don’t worry, you’ll get used to leaving your phone wherever you want up to 100 feet away. Your earbud projector, microphone and voice command unit really covers almost all of what you currently use your iPhone for. The iPhone isn’t likely to be stolen either. It automatically contacts you and the police if you wish, should anyone other than you try and pick it up. The phone will recognize your hand coupled with the electronic signature of your ear bud. Basically the glass sheet shuts down and becomes a hot potato paper weight to anyone foolish enough to take it. Yeah, there’s a lot to look forward to and really as you might have guessed, we expect the ear bud to ultimately replace the glass sheet. Of course, the ear bud itself is scheduled to be replaced by a semi-protruding earlobe implant which we believe will replace physical product launches with software downloads directly to you whenever you are online or near a hot spot.” —slater.com©

TIM COOK SAYS THERE ARE INFINITE SIZE OPTIONS FOR IPHONES

Cupertino, CA. March 25, 2016
“Our new form factor 4-inch iPhone is a tight little package filled with goodies. We’re listening and we heard you appleonians. You wanted some of the vintage apple experience with a fresh twist and now it is available in our new SE model. A full 4-inch retina display yet small enough to slip into your summer shorts. We weren’t sure that once you’d experienced our 5.5-inch iPhone that you’d be comfortable returning to our 4-inch model but our testing showed that people waxed nostalgic for the old girl. So we rolled her out of storage and propped her up with all our latest gizmos. You’ll have a 12 megapixel camera, crisp retina display and feel free to shoot 4K videos whenever you want. You’re carrying around a TV studio in your pocket. Of course, some people think this is the end of Apple as it looks to the outside world like we are warming day-old bread. But nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, this form factor interplay combined with technological advancements allows us to mix and match chips, screens and memory with other internal capabilities. Our range of colors and bead-blasted aluminum with a satin-like finish are sure to please. Don’t forget our matte-camfered edges combined with a color-matched stainless steel Apple logo to finish the look. Now with all the combinations and permutations available to us, we can launch and release new versions of any of our products at will. A little bigger, a little smaller, add this, delete that and voila – a new product is available. This provides some great filler for us in between earth-shattering world-changing product announcements. We are also working with our Chinese partners on a fully customizable model line-up. If they agree to stock a virtually infinite line of parts we plan to offer the ability to select from a range of sizes of phone bodies much like you do when you purchase a high-end camera. After you select the iPhone body, you can specify the camera type, lens’s, software, chips, memory and other customizable features. Some people may even purchase the hollow iPhone body as wall or desk art. Just the unfinished phone waiting for completion that may never arrive. Sad but yet still hopeful like good art can be. Anyway, this new development sure takes a load off my mind. Every day the whole world waits for the next thing from us. What if I don’t have a next thing or what if I do but it doesn’t become the next big thing? There’s a reason Steve considered himself a Willie Wonka of sorts. That’s because a big part of what we do is show business. The mystery. The aura. What’s going on in there? That’s part of the rationale for our new spaceship campus to kind of keep our image as a secretive dark tech/design braintrust able to spew out the next great thing on demand. But if you’ve ever been in a show, you know that it’s hardest for the actors to suspend disbelief because they’re the one’s doing the pretending.” —slater.com©

APPLE’S TIM COOK SAYS NOBODY WANTS AN APPLE SURFACE

Cupertino, CA November 16, 2015
Apple chief Tim Cook announced today that he will not under any circumstances introduce a combination iPad Mac. “I won’t do it. I refuse to believe that we’d sell a single unit. Remember we seem to know what people want before they do, right? So it just stands to reason that it is within our purview to decide who gets what and when. And I can tell you right here right now, we will not attach a physical keyboard to our iPad. Not now and not ever. Why should we? Nobody’d buy one or need one or use one. N O B O D Y. Not now, not ever.” The Apple leader was asked if he could even perceive of a valid use-case for an Apple-based Surface-like product. “No, who would need to carry around a mobile video screen and a keyboard? For what reason? What possible purpose could there be in doing so?” Cook was asked about similarities with his MacBook Air lineup and other lightweight laptops. Cook said, “Our other products may look similar to HP’s laptops or Microsoft’s surface tablet but their screens fold around to the back causing people to mistake them for tablets. We put a stopper on our laptops so the keyboard always stays close to the screen, never out of sight like theirs. Of course we do sell an accessory keyboard that you can lean the iPad on, but you don’t have to take it with you if you don’t want to. They may have something similar but we think of the little things and that in part is why we are the most valuable company in the world measured by market cap.” Cook was asked if the real reason he doesn’t want to promote product convergence is that it could reduce the number of products that consumers and businesses might need and purchase from him? “No, a thousand times no. Apple is and always has been about the customer. If the customer really wanted a surface-like product or an HP flip-screen model we’d simply develop a better one and offer the Apple upgrade to their users. But we know that it is multiple products that consumers and businesses want and need. Each unique product is a specialty item with a singular purpose. These are dedicated machines not toasters with radios in them. Consumers and businesses will ultimately have a centralized Apple Power Charging Station(APCS) where they will place their MacBook, Air, iPhones, iPads, Apple Watches, Apple TV and other electronic chargable specialty items each with a specific purpose in mind. Have a need? Check your Apple product inventory for just the right offering. If you’re going camping, take our iPad+ with real AppleToughSkin padding. Drop it in the woods, float it down the river, toss it to a friend, heck use it for a frisbee because this baby can take it. Need something light weight for a quick flight, take our new AppleHover pad. Impress your business associates with a tablet that floats 2 inches off any flat surface, projects a hologram that can be activated by AppleStem finger-mounted pointer-pods and none of you touches anything while still presenting the future to your clients in a next big thing kind of way. From our fashionable watchbands to our customizable product line-up Apple continues to be all about individuality and choice.” —slater.com©

APPLE SAYS TIME ITSELF will stop ON APPLE WATCH DELIVERY DAY APRIL 24, 2015

Cupertino California April 19, 2015
Today Apple continued to titillate the world with advanced info about their new watch expected to be available for delivery on April 24th. Apple confided to select journalists, “The watch may seem like just a mini-screen remote control for our iPhone but it is so much more than that. The human mind cannot fathom all the native applications that reside within the watch without our assistance. So we’ve installed a hypnotic learning module at no additional cost. This module will appear similar to the spinning circle seen at the start of the Twilight Zone and also resembles our well known “spinning beach ball” that appears during infrequent wait times on macs. New watch customers will awaken in the morning at their preset alarm time and when they look at the watch it will begin spinning to immerse the participant in what we refer to internally as “total appclimation”. In essence the watch wearer will now be a part of the system. Our spinning beach ball will integrate the brain waves and thought patterns of the wearer into the data flow of the software itself and through our “Appleburst” wave migration technology we will move the wearers thoughts towards good habits and conduct. We have been experimenting with this technological breakthrough for several years now internally in concert with our HR department. The results have been staggeringly good. Productivity of our “inductees” has almost doubled and they really seem to be a calmer and more relaxed version of their former self. Participants indicate that the feeling is similar to the “Landru” episode on the original Star Trek series. Everyone iOS of the body. Very peaceful. Anyway it’s just our little way of getting people on the same page to enhance togetherness and symbiosis. At first we were just going to have the watch absorb metrics from the wearer and using our advanced Big Apple Data platform we would interconnect participants with their medical providers and other important associations. Then we thought why not try to manage the behaviors prior to the subject needing assistance to begin with. So we realized that conforming all watch wearers to the one central body system would march everyone in the same direction together as a single unit toward unequaled appleonian bliss. Of course we were concerned that Apple customers are a very independent bunch of folks and they often don’t take kindly to being herded into a corral but we are used to skepticism and doubt when we introduce the world to the next big thing. Our main goal is to follow the boiled frog theory – it’ll happen so slowly that they won’t know they’re inside the Apple until they’re fully cooked. It’s for their own good of course or we would’t be doing it.” –slater.com©