Tag Archives: Trump

TRUMP GIVES IRAN NOTICE

Washington, DC February 1, 2017
“I told them in no uncertain terms, we know what you’ve done. We know what you’re doing and more important than that – we know what we’re doing. What you need to think about is if you know what we know about what you are up to. If so, what do you think we will do about it? What action would you take if you knew what we know? Do you think we don’t know what to do? We know. Believe me. There are about 1/2 a million Iranian Americans today in America. They are doing fabulously well as a group. Amongst the best of any group. They are treated well and contribute to American society. How many Americans or any group for that matter are desperately trying to get into Iran and apply for citizenship? That’s what I thought. Why don’t you fix your society first before wreaking havoc on the rest of the world. I thought it was funny when you got so upset that Iranians couldn’t travel to the United States for a few months. If we’re so bad, why would you want your people coming here anyway. You should’ve thanked us.” ~slater.com©

TRUMP BANISHES PRESS TO DISTANT AUDITORIUM

New York, NY January 16, 2017
“I really didn’t want to do it. The press is very important to me. Very important. But the space constraints in the White House briefing room have become intolerable. We cannot treat our cherished guardians of the freedom of the press to such horrendously cramped and outdated facilities. Therefore I have instructed my staff to begin to design a much larger space somewhere on the White House grounds. This new space will hold ten times more press than that tiny old location. More press, not less and more is better, I think you’ll agree. While they will no longer be in the very same building as me when I am sworn in on Friday, I can assure you that I will grant them access to me and my staff as needed, you can count on that. Some of you may know that President Nixon covered up the White House pool which is located directly beneath the current Press Briefing Room. I will remove the floor of the press room and restore the pool to it’s original splendor. Additionally, this is not like the old days, I’d strongly advise the press to refocus its considerable energies on my burgeoning twitter feed where anything they may wish to know is prominently displayed for all to see”. ~slater.com©

TRUMP TELLS CHINA TO KEEP SEA DRONE

December 19, 2016 New York, NY
“They can just keep it. We don’t want it back. You stole it. You keep it. You’ve been stealing all of our intellectual property for years now, so it’s kind of a relief to actually be able to see the theft on video. You know what I mean? All this virtual theft and cyberspace robbery is just so much vapor. I’ve been watching reruns of the sea drone caper in a running loop for several hours now. I’m mesmerized by their brazen and blatant taking of our property. Well, it’s on film now, so there’s no denying it. You did it and we caught you. Guilty as far as I’m concerned. Case closed. When I’m in office, those types of things won’t be tolerated, no – taking my property is generally not known to be a good idea. No it isn’t. I’m thinking of telling the kids to yank my name off all those buildings in China that rent our brand. That’d show ’em we mean business. But I can’t get involved in those types of decisions because the press always writes about conflict of interest. So I don’t know if the kids will do that but if I was still in charge of the company, I’d pull out of there so fast their head would swim.” ~~slater.com©

TRUMP SAYS HE’LL CALL WHO HE WANTS WHEN HE WANTS

New York, NY December 4, 2016
“I was elected to use my judgement. My judgement. Not the judgement of the swampy political elite in the State Department. I took a look at the state of the world and quite frankly, I’m not that impressed. Should I really call the people who got us here? Is there anyone in the world who is more successful than me? Has anyone in the world ever become President without being a General or holding previous elected office? Has anyone ever been as financially successful as me? I’m the single most successful person in the history of the world, so far, and there should be at least a little credit thrown my way. But no, the media only throws shade. Sad! Look folks, get used to my making calls and answering the phone when I get a call. Businessmen answer their phones. They do deals. They make things happen. I’m not going to call my diplomatic handler every time I get an idea. I’m an entrepreneur. I’m free and I like to speak my mind. I’m bringing freedom to the Oval Office and things are gonna swing in our direction for a change. I’ll call who I want when I want and speak about whatever. Get used to it.” ~slater.com©

TRUMP BLASTS CASTRO REIGN UPON FIDELS PASSING

New York, NY November 27, 2016
“That dictator held an entire country virtually captive for 1/2 a century. Whatever we do, we must not let any other authoritarian demagogues constrain the free will of their people. Wherever we find such an odious tyrant, we must do everything in our power to encourage freedom to emerge and lead the people to their rightful place as independent thinking citizens. Perhaps his brother will allow the great Cuban people to seek and find their true destiny in the world. To that end, we welcome all positive changes in Cuba that allow freedom to ring out loud and liberty to follow.” ~slater.com

TRUMP SETS FIRST PRIORITY

New York, NY November 13, 2016
“I want to let everyone know that I will investigate personally all of the urban myths and legends surrounding our government. Now that I, one of the people, is in command of the nation you can count on me to learn the truth. I will pass along my findings to you my brothers and sisters at my first opportunity. I have already advised the commanding officer of Fort Knox that I will personally be visiting Kentucky next week for a tour of the gold bullion depository. I will put to rest once and for all whether or not the gold is still there. I will inspect all of the gold if any is left. We will drill through a number of the bars to determine if they have been replaced with gold plated bricks. I’ll make sure there’s no gold bricking going on there you can count on that. I’m bringing some of my top security guys with me and if we determine that it is not properly protected we will have all of the gold moved to the fully lined treasure vaults below Trump Tower for safe keeping. The foundation of the tower is ensconced in natural bedrock formations that are impossible to penetrate without blasting which would alert my team of any attempt to move the gold. Rest assured the US gold reserves will be safe in my hands. We will save plenty of money on payroll and finally we won’t need to worry whether the gold is still safe because I have 10 billion dollars and don’t need any more money. I’ve got plenty, believe me. When I am no longer your President, the new President can opt to take the gold or leave it safe and sound with me”. —slater.com©

TRUMP AND CLINTON AGREE TO MARRIAGE OF CONVENIENCE

New York,NY November 7, 2016
In a surprise move, Donald J. Trump and Hillary Rodham Clinton today announced that they would divorce their current spouses and become man and wife. “It’s been on a slow boil for a while now”, Hillary said. “Yeah, she’s not really my type, but I’m going to the White House, one way or another. I always find an angle. I had some trouble convincing Melania but I understand that Bill was all in from the get go”, Trump remarked. “He’s not really so bad once you get to know him. The important thing is that we bring the country together”, said Hillary. “And we both think that Republican Abraham Lincoln said it best about 150 years ago”:

“With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in, to bind up the nation’s wounds, to care for him who shall have borne the battle and for his widow and his orphan, to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among ourselves and with all nations.”

—slater.com©

REINCE PRIEBUS SAYS HE DIDN’T DESTROY THE PARTY

Washington, DC October 18, 2016
“I didn’t set out to destroy the party. I don’t really think it is broken even now. It’s just a boisterous bunch a boys lookin for a rowdy good time, that’s all. It is a party, ain’t it? Y’know my favorite song is Jason Aldeen’s My Kinda Party. I just love it. Really gets me going. So I’m not party averse. I mean let’s party, right? What is a political party anyway? A group of people getting together with mutual interests just trying to have a good time. That’s why they call it a party, right? Otherwise it’d just be called the administrative organization political group. That does not have a good ring to it, no sir. Hey, I’m the party leader and we have more Governors in office and we control the Senate and the House. So y’know, I’m not buying all the hand wringing over this election. Was Trumpy my first choice? No. But I only get one vote. The people chose Trump. Don’t blame me. The kids love him. I mean they just love him. Being able to say and do anything at anytime and then just blame whoever. They think he’s the greatest. One of ’em told me they may never get in trouble again. I mean seriously, we could sweep this thing, House, Senate whatever. It’s like we’re on a merry-go-round and it just won’t stop. Is the room moving or am I just getting dizzy? Remember Dizzy Gillespie? He could really play ball, right? We need more power hitters like him on the Washington Nationals. That team should be called the Washington Democrats, they lose so much, right? Anyway, I’m supposed to meet Trumpy later to make sure he’s with the program, but I’m not sure if the meetings still on. I just saw him on TV half way across the country. He’s funny. I like him. Have I introduced you to my secretary? Would you like a drink?” —slater.com©

TRUMP SAYS I’M STAYING ALL IN

New York, NY October 9, 2016
“I’m not sure if the tape was doctored or what, but I don’t exactly remember saying all of that. I might have had a minor type of similar conversation with Billy Bush, but it was so long ago maybe the Clintons fixed up the tape to make me look bad, I really don’t know. What I do know is that Bill Cosby is on trial here not me, right? So if the evidence were so strong that something illegal happened, then why aren’t I in jail? Think about it. He’s out roaming the streets with his medication doing who knows what while the media focus’s on me. Is it Bill Cosby or Bill Clinton? I don’t know. What I do know is that some women are very hot. Should I keep that a secret? I don’t think so. Besides, get over yourselves. I’ve said and done a lot worse before this came out that everybody already knows about. Why this? Why now? Media bias, right? Just wear your red hats and vote for me and let my private conversations stay private. After all, what about the 1st and 2nd amendments? Think about that. Do we need more amendments to protect my right to speak with a member of the Bush family in a private bus, just us two? Can you get a little privacy here in the states? I’m not sure anymore, right? It seems a little coincidental that a relative of Jeb’s is trying to bring me down with a little tape. Bushes in the White House. Bushes in the media. What’s up with that? Seems a little fishy to me. Y’know Snowden’s in Russia where he can speak freely about stuff. Ironic right? Hillary blasts my friend Vladimir but he lets an American speak his mind. What about my rights? Do I have to go to Russia to say what I feel? I hope not. I hope that America is still a place I can call home. Women are driving this issue. I don’t have a problem with them. They have a problem with me. I’m an open book. What are they thinking? I don’t want their votes anyway. They can stay home for all I care. If they don’t like that kind of talk, vote for someone else. I’ve got to be me. I’ve got to be free to express myself. You finally have a chance to vote for a President that revealed the skeletons in his closet before election day, not after. I’m not dropping out. I’m not a quitter. Don’t miss your chance to bring some reality to DC.” —slater.com©

TRUMP SAYS DON’T ENTER MY BEAUTY CONTESTS IF YOU CAN’T MEET MY STANDARDS

New York, NY September 29, 2016
“It makes sense. I set the standards for beauty in contests that I own and run. If you don’t meet my standards don’t go crying to the press about it. Maybe you should just stop stuffing Dunkin Donuts down your piehole for a minute. I mean take a break honey. Give it a rest. You’re gonna wear out your choppers. Get a hobby, but don’t make it cooking, OK? Look, I’m as sensitive as the next guy, but this Miss Universe is spending her time complaining about things she said I told her years ago, please. I’m a businessman and her weight gain caused me to loose a few bucks so I told her to shape up or ship out. You think I invented shape up or ship out, huh? No, it’s been around for a long time. Get with the program honey. I like my models thin and thiner. Get it? Not dumb and dumber like you. I love women, but this is the beauty business. If you can’t stand the heat get back in the kitchen where you can be barefoot and pregnant for all I care, just not with my kid cause you have weight issues Miss Universe and I don’t put up with imperfection in the Trump family or any of our subsidiary organizations. Now don’t cry about it dear, there’s always next year at the Coney Island hot dog eating contest. You could partner with the 400 pound hacker I mentioned at the debate. I think you could do well as a team. As President I would have many new concepts for constructive citizenry including height and weight protocols. I believe strongly in eugenics and intend to apply Federal mandates for acceptable male and female appearance standardization”. —slater.com©