Cupertino California April 19, 2015
Today Apple continued to titillate the world with advanced info about their new watch expected to be available for delivery on April 24th. Apple confided to select journalists, “The watch may seem like just a mini-screen remote control for our iPhone but it is so much more than that. The human mind cannot fathom all the native applications that reside within the watch without our assistance. So we’ve installed a hypnotic learning module at no additional cost. This module will appear similar to the spinning circle seen at the start of the Twilight Zone and also resembles our well known “spinning beach ball” that appears during infrequent wait times on macs. New watch customers will awaken in the morning at their preset alarm time and when they look at the watch it will begin spinning to immerse the participant in what we refer to internally as “total appclimation”. In essence the watch wearer will now be a part of the system. Our spinning beach ball will integrate the brain waves and thought patterns of the wearer into the data flow of the software itself and through our “Appleburst” wave migration technology we will move the wearers thoughts towards good habits and conduct. We have been experimenting with this technological breakthrough for several years now internally in concert with our HR department. The results have been staggeringly good. Productivity of our “inductees” has almost doubled and they really seem to be a calmer and more relaxed version of their former self. Participants indicate that the feeling is similar to the “Landru” episode on the original Star Trek series. Everyone iOS of the body. Very peaceful. Anyway it’s just our little way of getting people on the same page to enhance togetherness and symbiosis. At first we were just going to have the watch absorb metrics from the wearer and using our advanced Big Apple Data platform we would interconnect participants with their medical providers and other important associations. Then we thought why not try to manage the behaviors prior to the subject needing assistance to begin with. So we realized that conforming all watch wearers to the one central body system would march everyone in the same direction together as a single unit toward unequaled appleonian bliss. Of course we were concerned that Apple customers are a very independent bunch of folks and they often don’t take kindly to being herded into a corral but we are used to skepticism and doubt when we introduce the world to the next big thing. Our main goal is to follow the boiled frog theory – it’ll happen so slowly that they won’t know they’re inside the Apple until they’re fully cooked. It’s for their own good of course or we would’t be doing it.” –©