Cupertino, CA. March 25, 2016
“Our new form factor 4-inch iPhone is a tight little package filled with goodies. We’re listening and we heard you appleonians. You wanted some of the vintage apple experience with a fresh twist and now it is available in our new SE model. A full 4-inch retina display yet small enough to slip into your summer shorts. We weren’t sure that once you’d experienced our 5.5-inch iPhone that you’d be comfortable returning to our 4-inch model but our testing showed that people waxed nostalgic for the old girl. So we rolled her out of storage and propped her up with all our latest gizmos. You’ll have a 12 megapixel camera, crisp retina display and feel free to shoot 4K videos whenever you want. You’re carrying around a TV studio in your pocket. Of course, some people think this is the end of Apple as it looks to the outside world like we are warming day-old bread. But nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, this form factor interplay combined with technological advancements allows us to mix and match chips, screens and memory with other internal capabilities. Our range of colors and bead-blasted aluminum with a satin-like finish are sure to please. Don’t forget our matte-camfered edges combined with a color-matched stainless steel Apple logo to finish the look. Now with all the combinations and permutations available to us, we can launch and release new versions of any of our products at will. A little bigger, a little smaller, add this, delete that and voila – a new product is available. This provides some great filler for us in between earth-shattering world-changing product announcements. We are also working with our Chinese partners on a fully customizable model line-up. If they agree to stock a virtually infinite line of parts we plan to offer the ability to select from a range of sizes of phone bodies much like you do when you purchase a high-end camera. After you select the iPhone body, you can specify the camera type, lens’s, software, chips, memory and other customizable features. Some people may even purchase the hollow iPhone body as wall or desk art. Just the unfinished phone waiting for completion that may never arrive. Sad but yet still hopeful like good art can be. Anyway, this new development sure takes a load off my mind. Every day the whole world waits for the next thing from us. What if I don’t have a next thing or what if I do but it doesn’t become the next big thing? There’s a reason Steve considered himself a Willie Wonka of sorts. That’s because a big part of what we do is show business. The mystery. The aura. What’s going on in there? That’s part of the rationale for our new spaceship campus to kind of keep our image as a secretive dark tech/design braintrust able to spew out the next great thing on demand. But if you’ve ever been in a show, you know that it’s hardest for the actors to suspend disbelief because they’re the one’s doing the pretending.” —slater.com©