Category Archives: New York


New York NY March 20, 2016
“Look, those people marching and protesting in front of my Trump Tower and Trump World Hotel yesterday should get a life. I’m out here working like a dog to tell voters what a mess their officials are making of this country. Stop trying to stop me cause I’m the one trying to stop them. Understand? It’s me who has the interest of the American people at heart. I’m working for the peoples business like Bernie but only I can deliver results. My post office to hotel conversion on Pensylvania Avenue in DC is under budget and ahead of schedule. It may be the only project in DC that is achieving the desired results and is on track to be very successful. You want somebody who knows how to get things done then pick someone with a history of making things happen. You think that’s Cruz? That stiff is a Massachusetts-trained Obama Alumnus lawyer born in another country and strikes me as strongly anti-American in terms of how he thinks of citizens of the US that do not reside in certain parts of this country. That type of division may be OK wherever Cruz was born but not in the United States of America. He talks a good game but the majority of his family income over the last 10 years is wall street money. Cruz is a hater and a liar, not me. On the other hand, I do like my supporters. Even when my crowds do get a little rambunctious. That’s because they’re fed up with being taken for granted and walked all over. I’m not just paying them lip service and they know it. They feel it and they can sense it. I’m for them and the US of A. And I’m just getting started protesters so if you’re all riled up now, save your energy for the next few weeks. I don’t want nobody gettin hurt though. Nobody wants a war. Just stay in line and show some respect to me and my folks. Is that too much to ask you people? Have a little courtesy and keep your trap shut when nobodys speakin to you.” —


New York, NY March 13, 2016
“I like power. I like to jerk people around a bit. It was all in jolly good fun, no harm intended. I really never expected that Americans would take my FOX network seriously. But even when they did, I thought we were just a great counterpoint to the seemingly endless lopsided political rhetoric constantly being spewed out by the other networks. As the underdog we could nip at their heels and cause them some discomfort but I really never dreamed we would be an equal. I mean Donald Trump doesn’t exist without us laying the groundwork for him all of these years. We poured the foundation and built up the bricks and now he thinks he’ll just waltz into the White House without coming to see me and getting my blessing? I mean we don’t even get the credit for creating Trumpenstein? Who do you think made this possible? The Republican party is getting blamed/credited for stirring up the unwashed masses but if I hadn’t come over here and become a US citizen, there’d be no FOX and they’d of had no mouthpiece all these years now would they? I mean I surely have mixed emotions about Trump. I mean I take some pride in my role as at least partial creator of the Trump phenomena and I’m getting ratings like crazy as he is a consumate showman if nothing else. I’m also selling record amounts of my papers worldwide as global citizens are enthralled by Americas decline into the political gutter. It’s really my bailiwick don’t you know. But I live here in the US now and two things stick in my craw. First I set this whole thing up in part to accumulate power and control. So ironically my creation of Trump has given me neither as he doesn’t call or visit me looking for approval like all the others. Historically we could put out certain talking points that would be echoed on all my print and over the air properties causing selected candidates and elected officials to face certain indignation or cheers. Of course that was dependent on my personal viewpoints or that of those I directly promoted. While we didn’t control every word or decision made, I certainly wielded a sort of massive psudo-control over a high percentage of government such that I could move key ideas to the forefront and block those that didn’t suit me as well. But Trump appears to be mostly immune to our standard offensives and I’m feeling more like the common man every day, just an observer to the process when I’d much prefer my role as master manipulator and key mover and shaker. If I could go back I might have stayed in Australia and watched from a distance, if not for my sake then that of my grandchildren.” —©


New York, NY November 10, 2015
At an impromptu press conference in the lobby of Trump Tower today Donald Trump spoke about Ben Carson. “Did he lie? I’ll leave that for you to decide. But I can say he’s a loser of the first order. That I can tell you. It’s not just that I’m a big winner – it’s that he’s a major loser.” Trump was asked why is Carson such a big loser. “Isn’t it obvious? He says he’s pathological. So a loser is someone who loses either way. Look I mean c’mon if he’s lying he loses and if he’s telling the truth he’s pathological. That’s a loser. I mean that is what a loser is. Someone who loses either way. It’s the very definition. I’m not just calling him a very low energy, bumbling, pyramid fact busting, people-stabbing loser. I’m calling him one of the biggest losers I’ve ever met or even ever heard of. He’s a loser if he’s right and he’s a loser if he’s wrong. That’s what a loser is. I think this guy is negative energy. I mean it’s that low. When he stands next to Jeb, Jeb looks electric. Don’t get me wrong, I like the guy as a person, but a leader needs more than smarts and a medical degree. He needs people to follow him into battle even when things are cloudy. A leader moves and people follow him automatically without thought or effort, they move as one, together. You think when Ben stands up to move anyone even notices? C’mon. His claim to fame is trying to stab someone? Getting a full ride to a school that never charges anyone? Admitting to both never applying to West Point and also getting a scholarship? C’mon!” But Mr. Trump, you have been proven to have been mistaken in your speech on numerous occasions. Aren’t you the last person who should be criticizing someones veracity? “No! That’s one of my endearing leadership qualities. Ben doesn’t have it. If he did he could say anything like I do. My credibility is unimpeachable. In essence, I do my best but get a pass because people sense I’m really like them if they had 10 billion dollars. Just like them but able to do or say whatever I want whenever I want to. They’re me and I’m them. You don’t go out of your way to accuse yourself of anything now do you so they give themselves and me a pass. And when I get a pass I tend to use it”. —©


New York, NY and Miami Fl September 4, 2015
Today Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush projected a united front during a joint live-video-feed press conference from New York and Miami simulcast on both twitter-owned periscope and independent meercat. Speaking as one, Clinton and Bush gave a 22 minute presentation on the merits of familial rule vs. random populace elections. Following are highlights of that discussion: Secretary Clinton began, “Look I get it. You want fresh faces from families that have not had a turn ruling yet. Sure a case could be made for that.” Bush chimed in, “I know that some people are tired of the Clinton-Bush rivalry and want to move on to a new era. But with the situation that the world somehow finds itself in today, Hillary and I know that this country needs experienced leadership.” Hillary followed up with, “That’s right Jeb, we both have extensive direct political experience as well as through familial ties and we can call on family members for advice since they would have also been President at one time.” Jeb said, “Yes, Hillary you’ve got to have someone to call when situations arise in the world. I’ll call my brother first as coincidentally he was smack-dab in the middle of most of the trouble spots that have emerged in the world today. Y’know even when we were just young tikes that boy was always getting himself and everyone around him in one heck of a heap a trouble, let me tell you.” Hillary said, “Don’t I know it Jeb, relatives can really get into some deep holes that are difficult to get out of. But they’re the only ones in the entire world who’ve been there and done that and we can’t let this kind of political insight go to waste.” Jeb said, “Y’know Hillary we may have different views on policy and party platforms but we sure do see eye-to-eye on this one. Let’s work together to keep America on the path to greatness by insuring that our future is in the hands of individuals that have been time-tested in key governmental roles over the long haul”. Hillary said, “You are so right Jeb, its really got to be a person and preferably a family that has already lived the Presidential experience from inside the White House, if posible. That doesn’t leave us with too many choices but we’ll work with what we’ve got. We’re Americans after all.” Jeb said, “You got that right Hillary, we get ‘er done. That we do and more. And you can quote me on that.” Hillary then said, “So Jeb let’s break down our plan for these fine journalists so we can get our bipartisan message out to the people intact. We plan to lay low and let the extreme right aka Mr.Trump and the extreme left aka Bernie Sanders fly all over the country and spout off at the mouth everything wrong with society and when they run down all their money and energy, we’ll offer solutions that Americans can believe in.” Jeb said, “You got it Hillary, we’ll wait ’em out and head ’em off at the pass. Whatever we got to do because their efforts as Bill Murray said just don’t matter and the entrenched, experienced, Washingtonians have the inside track and all the money. It just doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t matter.” “Jeb, you said a mouthful but you got it right. In a few months as they are running out of gas we’ll be there to scoop up their supporters with kind words and images of a bright future.” “They’ll never know what hit ’em Hill.” “They never do Jebby. They never do” —©

Trump set to offer Platinum, Gold and Silver voting packages including transportation and lodging

New York, NY August 5, 2015
In the run up to the much anticipated Fox debate this week, Republican strongman Donald Trump announced a variety of premium all-inclusive voter packages ready to debut by the Trump Organization prior to election day. Mr. Trump said, “Less than half of all Americans even bother to vote. I want to really get out the vote this time. So, I am offering some Trump-style transportation and lodging packages to help where I can. I know a little something about getting things done and greasing the wheels so to speak. You want people to arrive at the voting booths before they close? Make it worth their while. Today interested citizens can start to reserve deluxe Trump hotel rooms, limo’s and culinary delights in their choice of precious metals and at a price they can afford. Of course we’re offering the Platinum, Gold and Silver packages my guests are used to but we will also have bronze, copper and iron for those on a budget. The platinum package will offer the largest stretch limo with a full open bar and a guaranteed crowd of onlookers with your own red carpet rolled out by the driver before you enter the polling place. You’ll make the scene in style and hopefully pull the lever with my name on it. Then you’re off to a fully catered victory party with food, drink, hats and my new Trumpet digital noisemakers (also available on my website). After that you’ll be limoed off to the nearest Trump International Grand Palais Hotel and Sky Suites in your city. You’ll rest on my patented Trump 5000 pillow-top comfort-first mattress with my image woven throughout in reflective mirror threading. Your own private concierge and valet will see to your every whim and you’ll rest easy knowing that the man who brought you all this will soon be running things from the 1600 block of Pennsylvania Avenue.” Trump was asked if it was a conflict of interest for him to combine his status as a candidate for the nomination with a junket-style business opportunity. Trump replied, “I do things up front. That’s why people like me. It’s no mystery why I have 10 Billion dollars. I market, I make, I build, I promote, I take care of business and get things done. When people look at me they know I’m not sitting on a beach and neither are my kids. We’re hustlers tryin to make a buck any which way we can. It’s written all over my face. You have some money and I want it. Draw a circle around me with a ten foot radius. Step in that circle, I’m gonna get every last cent you have. It’s not really about the cash, it’s about the challenge and about competition. Gimme your money. Can I say it any simpler? Now my opponents look at it a different way. They pretend to do everything for the good of the world, but they all seem to wind up with many millions of dollars. Would you rather have someone tell you upfront that they are a businessman or would you rather have them orchestrate complicated schemes behind the scenes to grab a couple million here and a couple million there while granting favors to others that may or may not be in your best interest. You can make a deal looking me straight in the eye or get fleeced behind your back. It’s gonna happen. It’s up to you how.” —©

Hillary caught making anonymous donation to Trump campaign

New York, NY July 21, 2015
Sources revealed today that Hillary Clinton through an anonymous proxy made a $50,000 donation to the Trump for President campaign. Caught while arriving outside her Brooklyn campaign office today Clinton was asked why she funded the large donation to the Republican hopeful. She responded, “I was offended by Donalds race related language recently and I wanted to return donations that he had made to me in the past.” Couldn’t you have simply donated them to charity as other candidates did rather than propping up his campaign by funding his run for the White House? “I felt that it was best just to give the money back”. But you didn’t give the money back to him, you donated it to his campaign and anonymously I might add. “I guess it wasn’t so anonymous if we’re standing here today discussing it, right?” Well our investigative journalism produced these results, not any disclosure on your part. It seems to the press that you may actually like how Mr. Trump is shaking up the field. “I don’t really have an opinion on Republican candidates as I am totally focused on my own campaign right now”. Why did you hide the $50,000 through a proxy donation? “I don’t have time to personally handle every detail of running this office. Much of it is delegated through best practices management. The key is that we returned the money to Mr. Trump and he can use it as he sees fit”. Isn’t it true that you relish the disruption that Trump is wreaking on his Republican party? “I’m trying to be the first Woman to hold the highest office in the land. To do that I need to remain focused on the challenges of regular American folks, not multi-billionaire moguls”. But you do follow your competition on the Republican side of the aisle, don’t you? “There is a portion of the day that is allocated to staying in touch with an overview of the current participants in the race from all parties if that’s what you mean”. But your donation props up the main force of disruption in your competitors party, you must get some kind of enjoyment from that? “I don’t want to inspire anything other than good things for all Americans and all people of the world for that matter.” How do you think you’d fare against Mr. Trump in the general election? “I’d like to think we’d do well whoever they select as their nominee. Every voice counts you know”. C’mon Madam Secretary, First Lady, Senator Clinton, you want Trump to keep the lead and make a virtual shambles out of the Republican opposition while you keep your head down and let them implode on themselves? “No, I want a fair and even playing field with a vigorous debate of the current challenges we all face. I am looking forward to a deep and detailed debate with Mr. Trump on all the issues I’ve been a part of and have been studying during my time in government over the last 20 years or so. I’m sure that Donald has many things to say on all the pertinent issues of our time that we haven’t yet heard and he should be given every opportunity to express himself on these issues on as large a stage as is possible”. —©

Donald trump says he will build the wall himself if need be

New York July 6, 2015
Today prospective Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump commented on the border of the US and Mexico at an informal news conference in front of his 5th Avenue Headquarters. Trump was asked about Mexico building the wall at their own expense under his administration. Trump commented, “If Mexico won’t build the wall, I’ll construct it through one of my companies and at a discount I might add.” Asked if a President operating a construction business during his administration would seem to be a conflict of interest Trump said, “No, I get things done and ask for forgiveness later although I don’t usually ask.” Trump was asked if his family name was Trump when they immigrated to the US. He responded, “We’re not from Mexico so I don’t know how that could be relevant.” Trump was asked when his family changed its name to Trump. “My name has always been Trump and you should mind your p’s and q’s.” Trump was asked if his Grandfather came over from Germany with the name of Drumpf and if he was not naturalized for many years and if his immigration was legal? Trump responded, “Of course my family immigrated legally. The Drumpf’s are 100% legal German immigrants to America. It is a great country that let us in here to prosper. In fact my Mother was on vacation here in the US from Scotland where she was a citizen and she never left the US. She just came here on vacation and she married my Father. I don’t know if she was a naturalized citizen of the US at that time but nevertheless they got married and here we are today. Isn’t this country great?” So your Grandfather naturalized over time and your Mother came to the US on vacation and never left? “Yes, that’s right. This is a great country. Who’d want to leave? Can you blame her?” Two of your three wives were born outside the US. Were they citizens of the US when your children were born? “What does it matter? Children born in the US are US citizens or don’t you know the law?” It is reported that you married a communist. Did any of their beliefs rub off on you? “I don’t know what you’re talking about and I think I’ve proved that I’m the furthest thing from a communist that you can be. Look around, does this look like a commercial for conspicuous consumption capitalism or what?” With all of the immigration concerning your family and your wives, do you feel any sympathy at all for the plight of today’s immigrants? “Look, I’m a nice guy. I’m a people person. I like people. Ask anyone who knows me. Of course I want the best for everyone. Just follow the rules. Like I do.” —©

Trump says if you can find a richer man elect him

New York, NY June 19, 2015
Donald Trump said today that his vast wealth proves he cannot be defeated in the upcomming election. “My money will win the day. I have at least 9 Billion dollars. That’s Billion with a B. I noticed some people still think I’m a Millionaire. But I’m not a Millionaire, I’m a multi-Billionaire with a B. My hair looks like it is made of spun gold. All of my buildings are finished with precious metals. I have a penthouse and a mansion. I may seem cartoonish to some but where’s their 9 Billion dollars? There’ll be no budget shortfall when I’m President. I’ll begin by selling parts of our national parks as time-shares, condos and co-ops. You want a peice of the rock, you got’s to pay up son. International buyers will line up to own a section of the Grand Canyon and the Grand Titons. First thing I’ll do is use my real estate expertise to Eminent Domain Central Park and carve it into 1 foot square parcels. There are about 800 acres there and each acre is about 40,000 square feet. That means I’ll have 40,000 X 800 or 32 million square feet to sell. Each piece of Central Park is worth at least 10,000 so we’ll collect at full sell-out $320,000,000,000. That’s 320 Billion dollars or about 1/3 of a Trillion dollars. And that’s just my first deal. That’s Trillion with a T baby. We got plenty more land and deals where that came from, believe me I know. You want to know who’s running things? Me. King Trumpy. And I never lose. By the way some of my best friends are Mexicans. What I said was taken out of context. I was refering to the Castro Cuban prisioner boat lift a number of years ago. Anyway I’m very, very, very successful and extremely well educated and contrary to public opinion I am also very modest. You don’t see me parading my salsa skills on dancing with the stars do you? I am the star of a refined business show that is as you might guess very, very successful. Here in my eponymous tower located in the most exclusive section of the most exclusive street I have just one store that is worth more than Mitt Romneys entire holdings all combined. I’m not kidding, I rent that space right over there to Gucci and if I condoed it off I could get maybe twice what Mitt has listed as his net worth. So last year however well he did you know I’ll do better because I have more money. I’m like 35 Mit’s. So I might get like 35 times the votes he got. Something like that. It’s just that simple. It really is. And when you vote for me you vote for negotiator in chief. I won’t be presiding over parades and cutting ribbons and handing out keys to the country. I’ll be flying around on TrumpForce One making deals. And these deals will be good for us and by us I mean the US of A. No more asking nice. If they have any barriers to our inbound trade then we institute the same or higher barriers to their exports. And I don’t mean I’ll wait for Congress to vote on it. I mean shut down their merchandise immediately. I mean now. Turn their ships and planes back and let them sit on all their stuff till the value goes to zero. And by the way, countries that we help or defend, pay up. That’s right you want us to be the world’s cop. OK we’re a big mall cop but you got to pay your employees and we ain’t cheap. Show us the money. Also I’ll renovate the White House at a discount to what I might normally charge. And I heard all the jokes about a big gold Trump sign out front. No I won’t place a big sign out there. It would be tacky and I’m just not about that. I will however update the place with the latest finishes more fitting to the leaders home and I might cut off the tours as I am used to some privacy but I will allow for magazine spreads and other photo ops to display the new White House splendor which belongs to all American people after all. And I have a little problem with the 2 term limit system currently in place. I’m thinking of changing it to a more Roosevelt-esque 4 terms. I think that 16 years really is enough time to get this place back to what it once was. And I’m the only one who can do it. You know it and I know it. So vote for me or don’t vote for me. I’ll win either way. —©

Hillary invokes Double Secret 1st amendment protection on her server

Westchester New York March 19, 2015-
Today many in the Republican party demanded that Hillary make her server available to an independent third party for complete examination. When reached for comment Secretary Clinton said, “They’ll have to drag me along with the server because effective 2PM today I’ve booby-trapped and handcuffed it to my left wrist. I don’t take my midnight poetic literary musings lightly. If I want to saunter over to my computer after a glass of warm milk and cookies to back up my scribe-work on my private homebound server – I will! I never trusted the cloud and I’m not even sure where it is. I know it’s supposed to be up in the sky but it’s all a little too vague for me. How do I know it won’t just float into space? Who’ll retrieve it then? Will we hire the Russians to go get it? I once asked for the exact location of the State Department cloud server but they said they couldn’t tell me to provide plausible deniability. Anyway I have more of a ground-based temperament. I think I’ll just keep my online jottings safely here in Chappaqua with an extra back-up held at a remote server farm beneath a large chicken coop near the old Whitewater site in Arkansas.”

Contacted in Washington for a response, House Speaker Boehner said, “Look we’d all like to work at home. No one in their right mind would go to a government building every day let alone stay for years unless compelled to by order of, well, the government. But it’s not fair I tell you – for a major political player like Hillary to chillax at home with a “personal power server” solely in her control and a team of private cybersecurity geeks ready and waiting for her to bark out her next digital command. Trust me I’d like nothing better than to sleep-in and stroll down the hall to my wood paneled office in my silk congressional robes and fluffy camouflage slippers without being connected in any way to the governments interweb security protocols. Wouldn’t we all like that Hillary? Secretary Clinton knows that even if we send ten 95 year old grandmas with hand knitted shawls draped over their shoulders to her Chappaqua home to retrieve the server – her liberal media machine will portray them as nothing if not a violent gang of jack-booted thugs goose-stepping into her private inner sanctum and absconding with her personal family photos. It’s time for Hillary to stop hiding behind her delusions of a vast right-wing conspiracy and step out into the daylight with the rest of us. First Lady, Secretary of State and now presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee – give me a break and come down to earth and deal like everyone else. Do you really believe that acting like your server is electronically elite will help your case? And no one is buying the 30,000+ emails that you claimed to have deleted were only about Chelsea’s wedding and some yoga positions. Come on! 2000 wedding emails maybe and 250 yoga emails tops. What were the rest of them about? Your favorite Starbucks latte recipe? I heard that you deleted some Benghazi emails and then claimed that they were addressed to your friend, a Mr. Benjamin Gazzzi. Come on, no one is buying that. 20,000 emails to Ben Gazzzi? Seriously. Listen Madam Secretary, no one is perfect, but you have crossed the line in a major way here – maybe not legally but this does not pass the smell test. And after 30+ years in congress I would know.”©

Rupert Murdoch encouraged but wistful at his Fox News being named Americas most trusted Broadcast news source

New York March 11,2015
During an impromptu news conference held today in front of Fox News HQ at 1211 Avenue of the Americas CEO Rupert Murdoch said, “I would not have predicted that we could have accomplished so much of our plan so quickly. I mean if you had told me when we started that we would be the new “Walter Cronkite” after being in existence for such a comparatively short period of time I’d not have believed it. You know, we had to pay money to certain operators just to get them to carry our news initially. So it’s really a great day for us and today’s my birthday to boot! But I was hoping for a little more fight from the people though, I must tell you. I mean when you go fishing if the fish just jump into the boat, well, it’s not the same as a long struggle and ultimate success. This somehow doesn’t feel like you guys really gave it your best shot. Anyway we’ll take the win and dig even deeper into the culture of America to make fair and balanced change”. When asked why he initially founded the news division Murdoch responded,” Well, I really was interested in seeking some sort of retribution against Great Britain at first. As you know they set up part of Australia as a penal colony and although I don’t believe that my ancestors were among that group I am Australian first. So I felt a kinship with the original settlers and nobody likes to be abandoned in this manner.” You mean like The Wrath of Khan? “Well, I’m not sure of exactly what you mean by that but I got a little tired of creating sensationalized headlines and borderline pornographic newspaper spreads in the UK. I discovered that in the United States you could simply apply for citizenship and own as many media properties as a family who had been in the US for generations. I liked the openness and welcoming arms of America and I knew that I could leverage that to my advantage.” How so?,” Well, once you have an audience of tens of millions of voters, the incumbent politicians must take your call. Although they all love their country, I’ve never met one who was not seduced by the power of their job and ironically that puts them right where I want them.” That sounds kind of cryptic. Can you tell us what you mean by that? “Yes, Senators, Congressmen, Governors, etc. enjoy receiving positive upbeat coverage and conversely dislike negative stories. We write the copy. If they want our help they give us their ear.” What are you saying? “I’m saying that if our on-air staff from the anchors on down wish to continue to receive their inflated bi-weekly paychecks they better pay close attention to our daily distributed talking points and if the politicians want their best shot at election or re-election they’d also be well advised to stay in line as well.” Do they always obey? “No, of course not. These are bright individuals with active intelligent minds of their own. They do what they believe is in the best interest of their constituents. We merely advise their constituents what is in their best interest first. It’s all quite simple and above board, that I can fully assure you.”©