Category Archives: Uncategorized


Washington, DC November 16, 2017
“They love me. But I mean they really love me over there. I was honored more and better than any President ever was. More red carpets. More military honor guards. More royal buffets. Better accommodations. Giant pictures of me on the sides of buildings all throughout the routes with cheering crowds. They really know how to get their people in line to be respectful to important foreign dignitaries. I wish we could do that. Yes, I am the most famous and highly regarded person on the planet. No one is even close. I have money, power and more fame than anyone ever has. No one has ever seen anything like this. Ever. I truly am one of a kind. No one is like me. Who is like me?”©


Washington, DC September 4, 2017
“I don’t really care what anyone else has to say. Not even my own hand picked Generals. Let them speak their mind. They don’t have anything to fear from me. I won’t and don’t hold anything against anyone. I just don’t hold a grudge. Besides I like a little confusion. A little misdirection. A little bobbing and weaving. Did he say this? Did he say that? What did it mean? His Generals said something else almost the opposite of what he said. Which statement is true? What is the position of the Administration? Ha! That’s my point. I’m not telling. All the visibility talk. All the clarification speak. You can just take your best guess what I will or won’t do. What I do or don’t think. Really it’s none of your business. None at all. I’ll do what I want and say what I want, whether it actually represents my intention is yours to figure out. I’m not an open book for our enemies to read. I’m here doing my job and better than it has ever been done before, let me tell you. Believe me, much better. I would know. You don’t get ten billion dollars by accident let me tell you that much. Yeah, I’m rich but so what? It’s my mind that comes up with all the convoluted Machiavellian plans that I roll out with a deft precision that others can only dream about. Yeah, by the time everyone figures out my direction, I’m five or ten moves ahead. By the time the so called press prints reports of my plans, I’ve already moved on to something else. And when I give them my true plans I usually change them up so they print bad info anyway. Even when I leave, they never see me coming.”©


Washington, DC June 5, 2017
“When I feel a lull in coverage, I tweet. Ratings matter. I don’t care if my staff or family asks me to keep quiet. The show must go on. Nobody shuts me down. I’m the richest multi-billionaire President there ever was. That didn’t happen by accident. Timing. Timing. Some people wait for life to find them. I go and find life. I can mostly tell when to tweet or write or speak if it looks like everybody wants me to shut up. The more that I’m asked to keep a lid on it, the quicker I try to get my thoughts out to my people. Basically, I’m a contrarian. I do the opposite of the herd. Everyone says I should keep my big mouth shut so that’s my signal to lash out and spout like a harpooned whale. Recently though, I think they have caught on to my method of operating so they are using reverse psychology on me. Or at least they are trying to. Now when they tell me to speak out and tweet, I know that they don’t really want me to because they think I’ll do the opposite. But I’m on to them and I’m tweeting about people, cases before the Supreme Court, policies, intelligence, you name it. They can’t stop me and I won’t let them even try. I have the password to my twitter account and even if they take my phone away or shut it down, I can stop at any store or borrow anyones phone and release a fresh twitter storm at will. My voice which is the voice of my people will get out and be heard because I seem to know just what to say and exactly when to say it.”©


Washington, DC May 10, 2017
“My son Eric is very tall. About 6’7″ or so. Very tall. About the same height as former FBI Director Comey. He will do a fabulous job as Director. I wanted a fresh face. Someone from outside the agency to shake things up. Really place a new spin on the whole thing. Reset the priorities. Move the ball down field and reach our goals. I told him son, leave the past in the past. Focus on the future. With that in mind I’ve asked him to close the books on old and tired investigations. While everyone else is squinting to look in the rear view mirror I told him to ignore their cries for justice for past sins and begin anew. As far as me and the new Director are concerned today is the first day of the rest of our administration”.


Mountain View, CA. October 6, 2016
“The valley is about constant innovation and reinvention. If we just rest on our laurels we’ll only get as far as we’ve already been and no further. We want to step boldly into the future. To do that we sometimes need to make painful decisions. This was one of them. It really all started with search. Search brought us to the party. But it’s becoming a commodity. You can find whatever you need on ask, bing, duckduckgo, or dogpile. The delta between us and them has been shrinking and historically so do the margins. Once a product goes generic, it’s time to move on. Let yahoo add our distinctiveness to their own and a superior product should emerge. We will retain a non-material equity position in Verizon who is scheduled to aquire yahoo in the future. We plan to reinvest the proceeds in flying cars, balloon internet delivery platforms and life extension research.” —©


Washington DC July 7, 2016
“I told Senator Flake, you’ve been very critical of me. I noticed what he said and I told him in no uncertain terms that he will NOT be re-elected. No way. I remember Saddam having a similar meeting with politicians in Iraq. At some point during the meeting Saddam signaled for his goons to remove several attendees. They were never heard from again. Now don’t get me wrong. He was a bad man. But I can’t help but think that he got some respect from the rest of that audience, right? He knew how to work a room. Get it done. Now I’m not a bad man. So I can’t do anything exactly like that. But a boy can dream, right? I mean if you think about moving forward with our plans, we need to get up to speed quick, not dawdle. I’m not a dawdler. I move and move quick. These boys better learn and learn fast. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. Right? There’s probably some way to water down Saddam’s methods and still get results. I just gotta find it”. —©


New York, NY June 16,2016
“They better mind their manners. If little Pauly don’t shut his pie hole, I’ll run without them. I’m not sure if it will be the Trump party or some other thing but I’m the leader of the Republicans now and if they don’t heave to I’ll find people who will. Y’know I don’t need a single one of those losers. Today loser McCain is stealing my line about Obama being responsible for the Orlando mess. But it was my idea about Obama. Where was he for the last few years while I was out on the campaign trail informing the ignorant and uneducated masses? Losers. Losers lose, I tell you. Always. They have no right to call themselves Republicans, not even Prince Reibus the so called party head. Please. He’s with me one day and against me the next. That’s not leadership and I can do without him and easily. These guys are an anchor holding me back. Just shut up and let me be me. The workers party needs to get to work and quick. Little Paulie Ryan is spouting his mouth off about separate but equal powers. He doesn’t get it. That’s where the gridlock comes from. He’s part of it. I’m the roto-rooter guy and only I can snake out the lines and flush all the congestion from the system. But they’ve got to get behind me, everything I stand for and everything that I say. We must move as one. For the last time, zip it while I’m outside the beltway because after I move in you pathetic losers will wish you did.” —©


New York, NY June 7, 2016
“I’m not a racist. I really don’t even know exactly what that means. And I don’t think anyone else does either. I’m a purist. I like easy to understand things. I understand that I may have insulted Mexicans with my wall idea. That’s why I think the judge is ruling against me. He’s the racist. It’s my race that wants a wall and he’s against me and my race and my wall. Think about that instead of always accusing me of being a bigot and prejudiced. Remember everyone of my fellow Republican opponents asked me to back down from one position or another. Where are they today? I’m no racist by the way. More than 66% of my wives were not born in the USA. That means that 4/5 of my children are first generation Americans like the Indiana judge. My mother was not born in the USA so even an all american apple pie patriot like I am is the child of an immigrant. That proves I’m not a racist. Is Hillary a first generation American like me and most of my wives and kids? Think about that people. Maybe I’m the immigrant leader. The immigrant prototype. I’m the hero of the oppressed people who are yearning to breathe free. I want them to come here and follow my lead. I’m not the one against them. I’m one of them and the most real and genuine foreigner lover you’re likely to meet.” —©


Mountain View, CA. December 21, 2015
Google spokesperson Sven Searcharski commented today in Mountain View California. “We watched the 60 minutes Apple segment last night with great interest. It really got us jazzed up for our strategy, though. I mean y’know we like those guys and all that, but gimme a break. They have crossed over from design to fashion. And I’ll admit that we are not at the vanguard of fashion here at Google. But that’s really the point isn’t it? We don’t want to be. If there’s one thing we do know it’s that fashion is fleeting. Peoples tastes change and in the history of the world there has never been a company that could sustainably predict future taste profiles consistently over time. Look, they hired the chief tastemaker for Burberrys. Yeah the clothing and accessories company. They’re into colors and styles. Sure there’s a place for that in the mix but it seems like it’s their new product focus. While they are busy decorating their stores and colorizing their phones we are advancing technologically in areas that count. Of course we will also have our products and services roll out with full UX testing, touchability and image stylization as well. But our 90% focus is on moonshot big ideas and the future. Apple seems to have settled into minor form factor maintenance and glitzing up their product line like a clothing store. What’s next? Displaying their product at the Apple store on hangars? Mark my words, we think they have taken their eye off the ball. They are now a fashion house susceptible to the fickle and changing tastes of consumers. We’ll be developing the next thing while they are fine tuning their new selection of iPhones with coordinating wallets.” —©

Buffett’s Berkshire Baffled by Apples unwelcome overture

Omaha March 3, 2015-
Warren Buffett’s Berkshire Hathaway today announced that Cupertino California based Apple made official an uninvited hostile takeover offer for all of the outstanding stock in Berkshire Hathaway. Just after Buffett and Berkshire released their annual and widely read letter to the shareholders of Berkshire, Apple served notice of their intention to acquire all of the outstanding stock of Berkshire Hathaway via tender offer. Mr. Buffett said, “at first I thought it was a joke and a bad one but I’ve asked my secretary to check with the SEC to confirm. We’ll know if they’re serious if we discover they have filed a schedule “TO” indicating a tender offer. If as has been rumored, they already own more than 5% of our outstanding stock they’ll have had to have filed a “13D” so we’re checking it out. These are two very different businesses and don’t employ the same long or short term strategies so I’m just not sure what they’re up to. If true, we won’t take this lying down – that much I can tell you. I called Tim Cook but haven’t heard back from him as of yet”.

Reached in Cupertino for comment, Apple chief Tim Cook responded that,”Apple represents quality in the products we make and that won’t change. We specialize in consumer, business and education hardware and software and we want to remain focused on that core mission. Berkshire is a complementary organization to Apple in that we have never been very good at managing the huge cash flow that streams into our coffers daily. If one of our goals is to maximize shareholder returns, we need to do more than churn out great products and satisfy our customers. We need to optimize the returns we receive from investing all the cash that is excess to our operational needs. We got together in a large boardroom to hash out how we could build up our financial asset management division. As we did recently in many other areas of the company, we look for the best talent out there in the market – and this is important – whether they appear to be available or not. And believe me there is some great talent out there but the name that kept coming up was Warren Buffett. But it’s not just Warren and Charlie – it’s their entire organization that we have great respect for. So we wondered out loud – could we duplicate how they allocate capital, what they invest in and why? Possibly we thought. But then someone in the room said – and I don’t remember who – why don’t we just buy Berkshire and funnel all our excess capital to Warren & Co.? This way we’d have access to it if a large tech acquisition became available but it would be earning substantially more than the 1 or 2% we’re getting now. Of course we considered that Warren might rather remain independent and we wanted to play nice, but, we remembered that people writing about Warren indicated over and over again that he could be fair in his business dealings but opportunistic as well. So we felt that our offer to buy would need to be a solid business-oriented offer and we’d just move forward if we could get financing for the purchase as most of our $180 Billion dollar reserve is currently overseas. That’s when it hit us – we didn’t need to move our overseas cash here to buy Berkshire. Berkshire was already sitting on liquid investments in cash and stock of about $150 Billion. Their total market cap is about $350 Billion so we could use the currently held Berkshire cash and stocks as down payment and collateral for financing the balance of the acquisition. We thought Berkshire was the kind of company Warren would look to buy if he didn’t already own it. It was time to snatch the pebble from the masters hand”. –©