Category Archives: Virginia


Ashburn, VA August 2, 2016
“I’m not crazy. She’s the devil, not me. She’s the one you should be looking at for testing. Get the demons out of Hillary, not me. I can control mine. I’m likely the sanest man on the planet. I’m very successful. I have a mansion and a yacht. Is anyone more successful than me? Not really. My head is screwed on straight. I’ve got it together. I’m my own man and build big things all over. People hire my company to consult. Do you usually pay millions of dollars to someone who is unstable? Stability is what I’m paid for. Keeping things on the up and up. On the straight and narrow. In a pigs eye I’m nuts. They’re nuttier than a fruitcake. Get my wallet from my jacket, I’ll show you who’s crazy. Here look do you see a business card from my shrink? See no shrink. I’m probably like the number one sanest person on this continent. Could I lend my name to developers if my name was no good? I beat all comers fair and square like I always do. Hillary should be committed not me. I take some meds to stay level, does she? Maybe the media should focus on Hillary’s stability not mine. I’m fully covered by my health plan and get all the medication I need. Nobody sleeps 4 hours and flies around like me. I’m everywhere. I don’t care if they legalize pot in Colorado or wherever. That’s not my prime concern. I got bigger fish to fry. There are a lot of Republicans that haven’t heard the last of me either. Drugs or no drugs I’ll take a medical test or drug test or whatever. Bring it on. I’m mentally competent. I’m the #1 most mentally competent man in the country. Nobody is more stable, even-tempered and likable than me. People form crowds wherever I go. People like me. I’m likable. Like me or don’t and I’ll return the favor at some point believe me. Get in line but be ready for blowback losers. I don’t let it roll off my back like water off a duck. I keep records. And remember insanity is not a plea or a defense, it’s just a state of mind if you can comprehend my stream of consciousness dynamic earthbound rhetorical diatribes with love and comfort but not the enemy cause that’s Hillary not me and whatever’s got a grip on her from inside get it out.” —©

Ted Cruz declares it’s time for a Tea Party in the White House

Lynchburg Virginia, March 23, 2015
Freshman Senator Ted Cruz today became the first Republican to officially declare his candidacy for the office of President of the United States. Cruz was visibly energized by the friendly and engaging crowd of mostly youthful Liberty University students. Cruz announced, “Today friends we embark on a journey together that can only end one way if we play our cards right. We will walk together hand in hand onto the great lawn of the commander in chiefs official residence and then proceed as one into the White House itself! If we can dream it we can do it! Live the dream! Fight the good fight! Victory is ours!”

Cruz really got the crowd going with his soaring rhetorical prose spoken with feeling and verve. Cruz said, “It’s time, no it’s long past time for us to make our case like we have never made it before! Weapons – hell yes!, Individuality – Hell no! Marriage and family – hell yes! Non-family – hell no! Freedom – hell yes! Non-freedom – hell no! Taxes – hell no! Roads, bridges and schools – hell yes!”

Cruz went on to say, “Friends, it has been too long, far too long that America has restricted Presidential eligibility to individuals who were born here in America. As most of you know, I was not born here in the United States. I was born across the border in Canada. I can prove I was born in Canada, so we won’t have all of the distractions we had with Obamas birthplace. Was he born in Hawaii like his birth certificate said? Was he born elsewhere like we in the Tea Party said? With the Democrats and Obama there was always a question – but with my candidacy everything is out in the open right from the start. No guessing games. No confusion. I wasn’t born in the USA and that’s that! We can stop wasting our time investigating non-native candidates and just move on to the Presidential contest itself. Transparency, nothing up my sleeve and everything clear from the get go. Refreshing isn’t it? As my close friend Governor Palin says, “You betcha”. My Dad is originally from Cuba and I was born in Canada so international affairs in the Americas will be second nature to me as leader of the free world. I have informed many people on an untold number of occasions how bright I am so I’ve got plenty of references for you there. Additionally, I’m an Ivy Leaguer so you know I can do the job. As you know the last Republican President “W” was also from Texas and completed degrees from two Ivy League Universities – both Harvard and Yale. Proof positive of the virtual guarantee that Ivy grads are smart and successful! We get ‘er done!!”

“I am grateful for your support. I know it’s hard to stand behind someone who is not the perceived front-runner. You guys are taking a chance backing the underdog, a man who is not well-liked by his peers but hear me and hear me well — if the entire congress has a 9% favorable rating and my peers don’t like me — then correct me if my math is off but that means that 91% of the American voting public is practically in love with me!! I know I am! I mean I love them. Anyway, even though we may be doing well right now things have a way of changing over time in politics so I ask that you stick with me through it all- whatever you hear, whatever the lead they seem to have, however dark the days get or whatever lies wait for us around the bend – be vigilant – stand fast – stay tough – and know this above all – if not now when and if not me who?”

“Additionally, as a reward for your service to me in getting me the nomination I will use part of your campaign contributions to fund an inaugural victory float that will be a replica of the ship in Boston Harbor carrying the tea that Bostonians gathered to toss overboard. And in thanks to you for your efforts to help me I will stock that float with tea bags that contain tea leaves that are purported to have descended from the original tea leaves. Each will contain the inscription,”No representation without taxation” meaning that as your President I will not represent the people properly without the proper amount of taxation. I will also dress as a Mohawk Indian as they did to cast suspicion toward a scapegoat and then instead of throwing the tea into the water I will toss it to you in the crowd. Each tea bag will be autographed by me and contain a ceremonial portrait of me embossed on the side for your private collection. I intend to release a tea of the month club at a reduced rate for large campaign donors. I will personally curate the collection to my own inscrutable standards. I can assure you that it will taste as good as it looks. You have my word on that as a gentleman and a scholar.” —©